breakfast conversation
27 Feb 2008 1 Comment
in personal Tags: friends, illness
i found out this morning that a friend might be really sick. she won’t find out until additional testing for sure. i feel scared for her. she mentioned that she needs more testing in passing, like pass the salt kind of way. so i didn’t really respond empathetically in reflection to how she seemed to be dealing with it. but all i could think about on my drive home is that what she told me was really serious. i still feel affected by the news. probably the best way to described how i feel is that i feel shaken up.
none of us know much time we have in our lives. but when you know with some kind of certainty what your limited time is, it totally changes your perspective about your decisions in how you live your life. i guess my friend’s news makes me reflect on my own life as well. it’s a big wake up call.
last day
26 Feb 2008 2 Comments
in depression, personal Tags: life
i just had my last day of intensive group therapy. today i really felt ready to “graduate” the program. i’m going to miss my group members. maybe i’ll just go hang out at the program so i could see the group members! 
i didn’t think i could make it through the program but i did! it feels great to know i have made it through the program with no hospital visits or other serious interruptions. i probably learned more from the program than i can tell right now.
i’m feeling good about life at this moment. who knows, tomorrow might be a difficult day. but i can only live in the moment i am in now and right now it feels good to be where i am. that’s a major major progress i would say (so would my therapist).
why not?
23 Feb 2008 Leave a Comment
in depression, personal Tags: depression, meaning of life
the best response to the question “why live?” that i can think of is, “why not?” it’s all the same isn’t it in someways. whether i’m dead or alive life goes on for the rest of the world. i may make a difference for those who know me, i.e., friends and family. but i guess i wonder what purpose my life has. i don’t have an answer to that big question. all i know is that i’m breathing today and as long as i’m breathing, i have to do something. i can’t sleep all day although i’m pretty good at that. i mean i really can’t sleep all day everyday. while i’m here i might have to come up with something meaningful to occupy my waking moments.
lost
23 Feb 2008 Leave a Comment
in depression, personal Tags: depression, music, reading
i’m having a really hard time concentrating today. i just kept flipping pages of the book i’m presenting for tuesday. i guess there are good days and there are bad days of concentration. i’m thinking of just calling it a day and resting for the rest of the night.
i have to do jury duty in may! i was thinking of getting out of it somehow. but i think i will do my civic duty and serve on a jury. yup. that’s what i decided.
i’ve been listening to music all day long. i just felt like i couldn’t breathe without listening to music today. i’m looking forward to going to sleep tonight.
hmmm
22 Feb 2008 Leave a Comment
in depression, personal Tags: DBT, depression, meaning of life
i don’t feel too good this morning. i got a great start at 7 am. but then i don’t know what happened! i think i made the mistake of thinking about the meaning of life. it’s rather upsetting to think about the lack of meaning in my life.
my intensive group therapy ends in 2 days. i can’t believe how fast 6 weeks went by. i’ll miss my group members! i wonder if the skills i learned in the program will help me cope. i had a meeting with the group leader for the new group i’ll be doing starting this wednesday. we went over my history and i suppose that was a bit triggering. there are just somethings left better unsaid. but then when you go over your medical history, like how many times i’ve been in the hospital, how can you ignore it?
everything seems so hard today.
