itunes
20 Feb 2008 Leave a Comment
in depression, personal Tags: final exit, itunes, music
i bought a bunch and i mean a bunch of albums and songs from itunes last night and this morning. i’ve adopted listening to music as a coping skill. last night i listened to music until 1 am until i feel asleep. then first thing in the morning i turned on music again. it’s working for me so far to keep thoughts about final exit away.
major trigger
19 Feb 2008 Leave a Comment
in depression, personal Tags: death, depression, suicide
since my visit with the psychopharm, i have had major intrusive thoughts about how to effectively kill myself. friday night i was thinking about death and saturday i kept thinking of different ways to final exit. then one of the groups today we did a behavioral analysis of the urges i had over the weekend. after the group i got in touch with the urges and now i don’t know what to do! i’m listening to music in order to not think about things.
methylphenidate
15 Feb 2008 Leave a Comment
in depression, personal Tags: depression, methylphenidate, ritalin
i had a psychopharm consult today and she put me back on ritalin. i’m kind of looking forward to it since i have to do a lot a lot of reading this weekend. i don’t know why they took me off of ritalin in the first place. since i’ve been off ritalin i’ve been sleeping a lot and feeling really tired.
meaninglessness
15 Feb 2008 1 Comment
in depression, personal Tags: death, meaninglessness
life still seems meaningless. but the intensity of that feeling/thought has decreased. i talked to a doctor today who suggested that my chronic depression may not be so chronic. i’m not sure what she meant by that. i think she meant that i didn’t really want to die. it’s true that i am not actively wanting to kill myself. i’m just not sure that i want to live.
efficacy of prayer
15 Feb 2008 Leave a Comment
in christianity, depression, faith, personal, religion Tags: belief, faith, pryer
i went to morning prayer this morning. i am not even sure why i went since i don’t think that god is listening to my prayers. i prayed for another person and felt really weird about doing that. i think i’m going through a crisis of some sort spiritually. nothing makes sense anymore. i’m not sure what i believe anymore.
