target behavior
06 Mar 2008 1 Comment
in depression, personal Tags: depression, sleep, target behavior
one of my “target behavior” (an action i’m trying to change) is over sleeping. and today i target engaged. i stayed in all day long, well except to go exercise with my sister. i usually sleep or stay in bed when i don’t feel good. and today i wasn’t feeling good so i chose to stay in bed all day long. i’m going back to bed until the ice hockey game! 
i hope i’ll feel okay tomorrow. one bad day i can deal with. two bad days, i’m not sure i can handle!!!
another update on my friend
06 Mar 2008 Leave a Comment
in personal Tags: friend, illness
it turns out that my friend’s doctor didn’t communicate to her what was going on exactly. the high level of cell count in the blood was due to her medicine and not suspected to be abnormal cell growth! for the past month my friend thought that her illness was coming back. how irresponsible of the doctor not to tell my friend that she just needed her medicine adjusted!!! in any case i’m really happy to hear that everything is okay.
update on my friend
06 Mar 2008 Leave a Comment
in personal Tags: death, friends, illness, life
my friend thought she had to take meds for a week and get blood work to see if there are abnormal cell growth. but she realized the other day that she is supposed to take meds for 6 weeks then get blood work done. she seems quite at peace and not really scared. i think i am more scared for her than she is about herself. the blood test at the end of 6 weeks may just be one of the many tests to come. or not. she’s probably wise not to worry too much right now. they have already done a test and then told her she needs this additional test. so in my mind this next blood test is rather important.
crisis mode can only hold up for so long. and i’m trying to be supportive and understanding one day at a time. even though my friend says she’s not worried, i can see that she is making choices about how she spends her time more carefully. i would do the same. but shouldn’t we all do that all the time? none of us know how long we are going to live for sure. so we should do things that matter to us now, not put them off thinking that we can get to them later. who knows? maybe later won’t come. all that to say, we should live, really live in the moment.
few words
06 Mar 2008 Leave a Comment
in personal Tags: meaning of life, thoughts, writing
how could i have nothing to write about, right? i don’t know, lately i wanted to write a blog but couldn’t think of interesting enough things to write about. but then again maybe what i write isn’t really all that interesting in some sense. it’s still valuable to me that i can express myself and that i am connecting with others with the blogs.
in my wednesday group, someone mentioned how she can’t write anymore. to be precise, she said she couldn’t write anything good anymore. i told her that even if right now she feels that she can’t write anything interesting that the process of writing is still valuable. and i really believe that. i don’t think creative moments just strike us very often. instead, when we do “creative” things regularly, once we start doing it then we might find that creative juices start to flow.
i think i read an interview somewhere where the artist says that he or she religiously paints or writes and sticks to a rigorous work hours whether he or she feels creative or not. it’s true, when you start to write or paint or whatever, sometimes the sense of creativity and energy may come after you start, as you are engaged in the process.
i think maybe i have not been thinking about things so that i can avoid questions about the “meaning” of my life. i don’t know if i can finish my program, if i finished what i am going to do after i finish, and more importantly, what i would like to do with my life. living each day, trying to be productive each day is what i’ve been trying to do. maybe that’s all i can do at the moment.
