black hole
30 May 2008 Leave a Comment
in depression, food, personal Tags: alcohol, black hole, e-mail, internet, medicine, negotiation, reviews
i just spent about 4 hours on the internet receiving and sending e-mails. where did the go? i wish people would use the phone as much as they used to. because it would be faster than sending e-mails back and forth! although, i do prefer sending an e-mail if the message is concerning something too complicated or difficult to explicate.
i still feel kind of sick from the other night b/c i drank too much. my medicine and alcohol, they don’t mix well. i met with my psychiatrist this morning but didn’t have “time” to bring it up. i was happy we never got around to talking about it. i’m sure she wouldn’t have been happy and maybe would have given me a really really hard time about not drinking with the meds i am on.
i just saved about a hundred dollars for our church! we are getting food catered and the price was too high. so i mentioned a competitor’s name and said we might have to switch over to the other people. and the owner (i think he was the owner) came down to meet our budget. i mean, it’s a church function. we don’t grow money on the trees. and if the food is good as we think it’s going to be, i’m going to post an awesome, really kick ass awesome review of thier catering services. why? i find that writing reviews of businesses (good or bad) is rather empowering. i feel like my experiences and judgment matter, you know?
so anyway, no mixing alcohol with meds this weekend.
wow mama – eye candy
28 May 2008 Leave a Comment
in depression, personal Tags: bad day, eye-candy, personal, starbucks
i don’t really like the term “eye candy” or much enjoy being the object of eye-candying. i noticed back in high school that when i go to gas stations, wearing a dress i would get better service. i already had the long black hair thing going on so it was only a slight difference i could notice, but still, the look i would get from men were different when i was wearing a dress.
this morning i had the hardest time getting up and out of bed. i usually get up and then go back to bed. when i got up to eat cereal, i should have taken my meds before i went back to bed. but i didn’t. and it was so difficult to drag my body out of bed. so i took my meds late today. didn’t make it to group therapy because i was really anxious about going. had to take meds so i wouldn’t feel so anxious. an hour later, i wasn’t feeling any better so i had to take another dose.
so maybe even subconsciously, when i feel crappy i try to cheer myself up by dressing better or putting on make up or something. no make up today. too lazy for that. but i wore a pale blue dress that has a low neck line. and even though i am oh so many thousands of pounds heavier than i was before i got depressed, i still noticed that today as i walked into starbucks that i was getting different looks today than i did here yesterday when i wasn’t wearing something feminine. the guy who was taking the drink order clearly enjoyed checking out the deep neck line. and even some older men are/were eyeing me with more than pure intentions.
do i enjoy being the object of all this attention getting? is that why i’m wearing high heels today when i just left home to come study at starbucks? i cut my hair short every now and then when i get sick of all the “looks” i get. and then i miss the compliments i got when i had longer hair so then i grow it back again. well, today i’m not sure i wanted the less than “pure” looks. but i wanted to feel like i had some control of something and that for today means how i look because i sure as hell can’t change how i’m feeling today. and i do feel crappy, like i could drink a six pack right now and not even blink an eye because that’s how badly i want to drown life.
the irony of all this is that today i couldn’t even drive myself to starbucks today because of the meds i took this morning. so looking like i got something going on, my younger sister dropped me off at a starbucks. maybe i’ll hitch a ride with someone on my way home. hehe. j/k j/k. i am too scared to return the look i get from men on days like this let alone accept a free ride to only God knows where!
it’s nice to know that even though i’m approaching forty (i can’t believe it but it’s true) i can still feel like i did when i was sixteen years old. i love saying that i am approaching forty when i hang out with younger crowds. they get a kick out of it because most of them had thought that i was their age. one person even demanded that i whip out my driver’s license. when nothing else cheers me up, remembering, and recounting anecdotes like this helps.
facebook happenings
26 May 2008 1 Comment
in personal Tags: facebook, fear of commitment, friends, romantic relationships
so in the past couple days i have found a gazillion friends that i haven’t talked to or seen in years. one friend i hadn’t had any contact with since middle school! and through his facebook friends page, i found another friend from middle school. so i was im’ing into the wee hrs with the friend and you know, it’s as if we had been talking all these years and had kept in touch. we might have even been in the same town around the same time at one point. but who knows? it’s hard to tell what people look like in their adulthood when the last time you saw them was when they couldn’t even vote (among other things).
i think i was feeling especially nostalgic yesterday and really looking for a way to connect with the world. i was so happy to find my friend from back in the days. hehe
so i just edited a 26 pg paper for my brother. i’m kind of tempted not to even start working on my own stuff until after lunch. it’s 11:20 am now. i’ll get about an hr worth of work done. then i’d have to stop! oh well oh well.
i had to admit once again that i am one of the rare female specimen who is like a male – meaning that i am reluctant to settle down. how’s that? i think i hung out with too many guy friends when i was younger. my dad raised me like i was a boy. he practically never mentioned marriage but would always talk about academic pursuits. well, i like it. i like the way i am. this way i don’t get turned down by guys. i get to run out of the relationship before anything serious happens. but then i do realize that i pay a high price for this: once i ran out on someone that i really cared about. maybe next time i’ll be more careful. maybe. maybe.
giving then taking it away
24 May 2008 2 Comments
in depression, personal Tags: anxiety, ativan, depression, feeling helpless, psychiatrist, stress
as i posed a few blogs ago, my psychiatrist put me on ativan. but then now she’s going to take some of it back. i had a passing thought that i could take more than i was supposed to. why? well, just because i could. but my psychiatrist is going away for a few weeks. so if i run out, i’ll just have to live through anxiety and madness! it doesn’t seem fair that i was honest about possibilities i was entertaining. i chose not to act on the ideations. and i don’t want to. but still she’s going to take the pills away. where is the trust??? oh well. i feel helpless, like i can’t do anything about the situation. i don’t want to be suffering when i know i could have taken a pill that would relieve the tension and anxiety that i feel, if only my psychiatrist hadn’t taken them away from me. if that happens i am going to be so upset. oh well oh well
and then there were none
24 May 2008 Leave a Comment
in depression, personal, philosophy, religion, theology Tags: ativan, cocktail, medicine, nerd, nietzsche, papers, plato
i wish i could say i had no more papers to write. wait, do i really wish for that? anyway i turned in the paper on nihilism earlier this week. i kept thinking of more and more things i could work on. so at some point i just called it “finished!” someone told me that paper that is done is better than a perfect paper (which is not finished and may never be finished).
i go on line obsessively to check for the grade. but it’s only been two or three days. maybe on tuesday the grade for the paper will be up.
so after writing a paper on nietzsche when i knew virtually nothing about him before writing this paper, i’m writing about plato. i read the books easily enough. but man it’s really hard to tease out the arguments in the dialogues!
all in all, i’d rather be working on papers than not. i know. it’s sick. my friend seems to amuse herself by saying that she’s a nerd whenever she’s studying for an exam (especially if she’s studying over the weekend). but if she’s a nerd then i am off the charts. but not only do i study on weekends, i actually enjoy it and would choose to do it even if i had the choice to do something else! of course i don’t always feel this way. there are “bad” days when i want to and do sleep the entire day. but then there are days like today when i love that i am thinking. yes. i am happy just to be thinking. and that i am thinking about philosophical and religious ideas is a huge huge bonus.
i’m loving life – with the aid of cocktail of drugs of course. my latest love: ativan!
