giving then taking it away
24 May 2008 2 Comments
in depression, personal Tags: anxiety, ativan, depression, feeling helpless, psychiatrist, stress
as i posed a few blogs ago, my psychiatrist put me on ativan. but then now she’s going to take some of it back. i had a passing thought that i could take more than i was supposed to. why? well, just because i could. but my psychiatrist is going away for a few weeks. so if i run out, i’ll just have to live through anxiety and madness! it doesn’t seem fair that i was honest about possibilities i was entertaining. i chose not to act on the ideations. and i don’t want to. but still she’s going to take the pills away. where is the trust??? oh well. i feel helpless, like i can’t do anything about the situation. i don’t want to be suffering when i know i could have taken a pill that would relieve the tension and anxiety that i feel, if only my psychiatrist hadn’t taken them away from me. if that happens i am going to be so upset. oh well oh well
and then there were none
24 May 2008 Leave a Comment
in depression, personal, philosophy, religion, theology Tags: ativan, cocktail, medicine, nerd, nietzsche, papers, plato
i wish i could say i had no more papers to write. wait, do i really wish for that? anyway i turned in the paper on nihilism earlier this week. i kept thinking of more and more things i could work on. so at some point i just called it “finished!” someone told me that paper that is done is better than a perfect paper (which is not finished and may never be finished).
i go on line obsessively to check for the grade. but it’s only been two or three days. maybe on tuesday the grade for the paper will be up.
so after writing a paper on nietzsche when i knew virtually nothing about him before writing this paper, i’m writing about plato. i read the books easily enough. but man it’s really hard to tease out the arguments in the dialogues!
all in all, i’d rather be working on papers than not. i know. it’s sick. my friend seems to amuse herself by saying that she’s a nerd whenever she’s studying for an exam (especially if she’s studying over the weekend). but if she’s a nerd then i am off the charts. but not only do i study on weekends, i actually enjoy it and would choose to do it even if i had the choice to do something else! of course i don’t always feel this way. there are “bad” days when i want to and do sleep the entire day. but then there are days like today when i love that i am thinking. yes. i am happy just to be thinking. and that i am thinking about philosophical and religious ideas is a huge huge bonus.
i’m loving life – with the aid of cocktail of drugs of course. my latest love: ativan!
