running empty
14 Jun 2008 1 Comment
in depression, personal Tags: anger, ativan, depression, self-medication
i ran out of ativan today. i left a message for the doctor who is covering for my therapist. he just called. in the mean time i took matters into my own hands. i hate the feeling nervous or the experience of sinking and sinking and sinking. so when i ran out of ativan this afternoon, i made a little something something myself. i am totally fine. i think my self-medication helped me. i’m not feeling nervous and i don’t feel like i am sinking. i’m just at ease.
i took a bus to get home today. i haven’t been on a bus for a long time except for those terminal transfer buses at airports. i felt like i was one of the many people who are conserving money by not driving their cars. i stood in solidarity with those who either cannot drive because they don’t have a car or because they can’t drive for whatever reason. in my case, i can’t drive when i’m taking ativan. it turns me into the worst female driver there ever was! i’m not kidding. it’s like somehow my brain thinks that i’m in an amusement park riding bumper cars or something when i am on ativan. it’s not good.
it’s not taking anything extra for me to say this so i’ll say it: i’m angry. i’m angry that i am being rationed out ativan which i need to feel moderately normal; i am angry that i have to take ativan when i feel badly because then i can’t drive; tonight i walked home in fear in the dark (and from potential crazy people attacking me. no really, there have been incidents reported) from the bus stop; i am angry that i’m afraid of getting physically sick when i self-medicate myself because the meds i am on messes with my self-medication. should i go on? no. no. i’ll spare you all more details.
at the store where i purchased my medium of self-medication, the lady who sold me the stuff asked how i was doing. does she have a sixth sense or something? i wasn’t planning on knocking myself out to the point of being unconscious or anything. but maybe she felt something was off. she’s quite a perceptive lady. if she’s concerned about what i’m going to do with the stuff, why is she selling the stuff? who knows? this world is messed up.
emergency room
10 Jun 2008 Leave a Comment
in depression, personal Tags: depression, emergency room, partial hospital, psychiatrist
last week i went to the emergency room twice! my therapist was going out of town and was really concerned that i may not be on earth when she returns from her vacation. so she sent me to ER to be seen and evaluated. praise the Lord, they let me go home. but then i had to come back to ER a couple days later for another check in. everyone, i mean, everyone, well except me, wanted me to go to partial hospital. partial hospital is really, partial hospital. instead of being inpatient and staying at the hospital 24/7, you go to partial hospital from 9 – 3 pm monday through friday. but then it’s like, okay, what are you supposed to do the other remaining hours and the weekends??? anyway i postponed partial hospital admission until next week. by next week, i hope that i will be feeling infinitely better! yes, infinitely! 
poison ivy
10 Jun 2008 Leave a Comment
in depression, personal Tags: poison ivy, steroids
i think every year i get poison ivy. and it’s not that i go camping every year. my sleeping bag which i took camping 3 or 4 years ago, i think has poison ivy oil on it and we can’t get it out even after washing it! who knew my rash was due to poison ivy? i am itchy all over! oh bummer. i mean, like my scalp, my eye lids, and all over my body, i am itchy.
the nurse practitioner that i saw gave me script for steroids for a week. it could make me really energized. or it could make me really down. which is it? i guess i’ll find out this week. i mean, as if i am not already on enough mood altering medicines, right? hehe
