running empty
14 Jun 2008 1 Comment
in depression, personal Tags: anger, ativan, depression, self-medication
i ran out of ativan today. i left a message for the doctor who is covering for my therapist. he just called. in the mean time i took matters into my own hands. i hate the feeling nervous or the experience of sinking and sinking and sinking. so when i ran out of ativan this afternoon, i made a little something something myself. i am totally fine. i think my self-medication helped me. i’m not feeling nervous and i don’t feel like i am sinking. i’m just at ease.
i took a bus to get home today. i haven’t been on a bus for a long time except for those terminal transfer buses at airports. i felt like i was one of the many people who are conserving money by not driving their cars. i stood in solidarity with those who either cannot drive because they don’t have a car or because they can’t drive for whatever reason. in my case, i can’t drive when i’m taking ativan. it turns me into the worst female driver there ever was! i’m not kidding. it’s like somehow my brain thinks that i’m in an amusement park riding bumper cars or something when i am on ativan. it’s not good.
it’s not taking anything extra for me to say this so i’ll say it: i’m angry. i’m angry that i am being rationed out ativan which i need to feel moderately normal; i am angry that i have to take ativan when i feel badly because then i can’t drive; tonight i walked home in fear in the dark (and from potential crazy people attacking me. no really, there have been incidents reported) from the bus stop; i am angry that i’m afraid of getting physically sick when i self-medicate myself because the meds i am on messes with my self-medication. should i go on? no. no. i’ll spare you all more details.
at the store where i purchased my medium of self-medication, the lady who sold me the stuff asked how i was doing. does she have a sixth sense or something? i wasn’t planning on knocking myself out to the point of being unconscious or anything. but maybe she felt something was off. she’s quite a perceptive lady. if she’s concerned about what i’m going to do with the stuff, why is she selling the stuff? who knows? this world is messed up.
