self-pity
25 Feb 2010 Leave a Comment
being tired and not getting enough sleep, totally not a good combination! i was seriously drowning in self-pity before taking a nap this morning. had to get up early after a late night to go to a homeless shelter for community service engagement where i thought i was going to preach but didn’t because they were double booked. anyway after early morning activities, serving breakfast, moving chairs up and down the stairs, etc., totally tired, totally lacking sleep. came home and slept, but not soon enough! before falling asleep, i felt totally sorry for myself about a thousand and one things. even after getting sleep and eating lunch, still couldn’t get a grip on life until mid afternoon. felt better by the time i was making coffee. times like today just have to remember things are not as bad as they seem and my feelings are totally misleading me to some kind of downward spiral when i don’t get enough sleep and i’m tired and maybe even hungry… my sugar level might have been on a roller coaster too. being pre-diabetic is no walk in the park. so glad i’m feeling renewed after sleeping, resting, eating, drinking coffee, talking to couple friends, etc. totally necessary at times to take a few steps back to get myself back on the track. i’m so thankful for the way things are in my life…why was i feeling so sorry for myself earlier today??? feeling rather silly now.
moment of truth
21 Feb 2010 Leave a Comment
in new york, personal, relationship Tags: ex-boyfriend, gratitude, journey
isn’t it weird that when you have so much to do, you get so much done and even have time to reflect on things you haven’t had time to think about? so starting thursday through sunday i’m super busy. and of course monday through wednesday i sleep a lot and get pretty much nothing done. then thursday through sunday, i get more personal and professional stuff done than i ever thought imaginable!
so as i’m working on my work stuff, i had time to reflect on how things are in my life right now. and i’m so thankful. everything did happen for the best! i was extremely fortunate to have met my ex-boyfriend who helped me through really really tough times. i think sometimes when someone does something so helpful and so good, even if they do anything else that might not be so great, the good part somehow outshines the not so great parts. i had to hold on to disappointment and disapproval (?), anyway some kind of bad feeling towards my most recent ex-bf to be able to stand on my own two feet. but now that i am, and am so thankful for everything that happened and the way things turned out, i no longer harbor bad feelings towards him. if anything, i just wish him well. i hope things will go well for him in every aspect of his life: find the love of his life, find a great job, have abundant peace and happiness and joy in his life, etc…
how well i’m doing now, how i got here is with the help of my ex-bf, of course not all because of him. but he played a major role in how i got to where i am today. when i think about that, i have nothing but gratitude. really. thank you. 
i think when you love someone and fall in love with someone (whatever the two things mean, i’m including both in my statement), even when you realize (know) things are not going to work out (even if temporarily you have to think of them as a “bad” person to get over them), the positive feelings about the person don’t just evaporate! it’s like if you were married and had kids with your spouse, whatever happens to the marriage, the person is still the mother or father of your kids. and that is something that never changes. well, ok. no kids involved obviously. nevertheless, whatever happened to the romantic relationship, the things that happened to both of us, the good things, the journey that got me to where i am and him to where he is, well, that remains. it’s a good thing too because i like where i am, who i am, and where i’ve been.
yesterday in a van packed with my “kids,” someone asked what age i would permanently like to be if i could choose. my answer was that i would choose to be permanently exactly as old as i am now because i am happy where i am now. and i don’t want to go back to the past to do things over. things that happened got me to where i am, made me who i am.
today is a very very good day.
fast recovery
20 Feb 2010 Leave a Comment
in personal, relationship Tags: hope
am i wolverine? wow. yesterday i was wrapped up in nostalgia…missing my ex even though i know the decision to end things was the only possible decision to preserve my self-respect. but today i’m looking upward and forward! life is pretty good right now. but i have this strange feeling inside of me that life is going to get even better! how that might even be possible, i haven’t the faintest clue. i just know it. i think when you’re surrounded by people who believe in you, encourage you and appreciate you, all the time, you start thinking maybe they’re onto something! going to sound like a commercial right now…things are going to get better because i’m worth it! haha i am laughing at me and with me.
delayed reaction
19 Feb 2010 Leave a Comment
in new york, personal, relationship Tags: change, delayed reaction, loss, single, therapist
it’s rather silly actually. as of last december i have been single. and totally living it up. new job, new roommate, new everything practically. maybe i just had no time to reflect really? just when other people might get used to being single again, i’m just starting realize that my life has really changed. it’s so much better in so many ways. and just a few ways that i feel a loss. most people talk about how the mind plays tricks on them. i feel like it’s my heart that’s the culprit. i put nine months behind me practically with a blink of an eye. and two months later i’m having a delayed reaction of feeling a loss. all this delayed reaction started when my therapist started asking me if i’m really doing ok. therapists! oh well. i guess it had to happen sometime.
time to let feelings work themselves through. not going to dodge it or repress it. just going to live through this one.
possible to be too busy to blog?
19 Feb 2010 Leave a Comment
in new york, personal Tags: play, work
so weird. i always have time to blog. well, not lately. i’m either doing something or recovering from doing stuff. love my new job. work is like play. yesterday i just had lunch with bunch of ppl and watched the bee movie and that’s all in a day’s work. last saturday i just hung out at a ski lodge (blue mountain) all day and that was work! gotta love it!!! only odd thing about work is that earlier in the week comes my off days and then later in the week through the weekend i’m totally on.
today is one of those days i actually have to do stuff that resembles work. must read, write and think think think.
