the worst
13 Nov 2011 2 Comments
in depression, faith, personal, relationship
life sucks. hope is gone. i want to linger in self pity. wallow in low self esteem. not sure what matters. or that anything matters at all. i don’t care. not even sure if there is anything i do care for. life is just unbearable. that’s all i can say for now.
a year already?
14 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
in boston, depression, faith, health, new york, recovery, relationship Tags: dreams, goals
wow, i moved to nyc about a year ago. it’s shocking what i was like when i came to ny last year and how much i have changed. happy to report that change has been for the better! who knew leaving boston and moving to ny would be one of he best decisions i ever made in my life??? i recovered from depression more than i had ever before. i am working and pursuing goals i want to pursue!!!
challenge
06 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
in depression, family, health, recovery Tags: dissapointments, expectations
i feel horrible about not being able to go to lunch today with my mom and her friends. the thought of sitting through lunch, listening and participating in conversation at lunch seems like an impossible task for me right now. it is taking all my energy just to prevent my self from crashing…
time limit
06 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
in depression, faith, family, health, recovery Tags: darkness, depression, despair, will power
i was feeling depressed all day yesterday and this morning. my thoughts were too dark to utter out loud to anyone except maybe to a therapist. since i don’t have a therapist right now, well, i didn’t really get to say what was on my mind. i tried to contain the thoughts and feelings inside me and prevent it from leading to self destructive acts. i haven’t felt this bad in a long long time. both the duration and intensity of how i was feeling was way more than i had experienced in about 6 months to a year. mostly because my mom is visiting me, there really was nothing i could do. so after being held to my bed as prisoner all day and all night and all morning, i came to the conclusion that enough is enough. time limit is up. no can do on feeling depressed any more for this week. i have a sermon to write, studying to do and preparations for new job coming up in few weeks. so for today at least i’m done being depressed. i don’t know how long my will power can keep dark thoughts from returning. i guess i’ll find out soon enough whether i’m successful or not.
what i was made for
29 May 2010 Leave a Comment
in academic, depression, god, religion Tags: anxiety, apathy, motivation, nerd, survival
i called my mom this morning and talk to her for a long time. i realized as i was talking to her that on days i study i am not anxious, i feel pretty good over all and i am motivated to do other things as well. but on days i don’t study, i feel anxious, feel apathetic and unmotivated about everything! was i made to study? i’m beginning to believe that. i think God made me in such a way that i would find purpose and meaning in life when i study and not when i don’t. it isn’t even a matter of how good i am academically. studying for me is a matter of survival it seems. wonder how many people are made the way i was made. i’m a nerd and i’m proud of who i am. 
