death and life
20 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
in faith, god, religion, theology, work Tags: chaplaincy, death, existential, meaning of life
What does it mean that we all will die at some point? I am a chaplain in training. Yesterday two of my patients died in ICU. And before that three patients died during the week. Patient that died in ICU, Edna (pseudonym) was a lovely person. So was her husband, Ed. I visited them twice before she got transferred to the ICU. She and Ed talked about Alaska as if it were the place to be! Imagine, Alaska, the state that elected Sarah Palin as governor! Mr and Mrs E encouraged me to apply for a job there. Oh they need people for everything! You need to be roughed though. Are you outdoorsy? Oh every guide we had carried a rifle. !!! it was on their trip to Alaska that Mrs E fell asleep on tours and Mr E knew something was wrong he said. It wasn’t like Edna to be sleeping on tours! Trip to Alaska had saved her life they said. Mrs E, how do you stay so positive? Oh, I give myself pep talks. You’ll have to teach me how you do that! Oh, I just talk to God. oh, that’s right up my ally! maybe next time we could pray together. …
but there was no next time. on my way up to the ICU to answer a page, I ran into Mr E. I was caught off guard. mr E answered the question I was thinking in my head. She’s not doing so well. she’s on life support. you want to meet my daughters? they are both here. sorry I was paged for another patient. I’ll drop by afterwards. my heart sank. on my way to ICU I was already sad, heart broken. when I dropped by mr E said to come back later. they are waiting for a priest. could I check on that? absolutely! I thought I’d get another chance to visit with the patient and family.
later in the afternoon, the room was closed. I could tell room was empty. still I had to find out. a clerk told me the patient expired. noooo. I thought I could come pray together with mr and mrs E. after I left the hospital, I felt like a lost spirit. I walked but I was looking past the objects. I wasn’t really seeing or thinking anything except when a cab angrily honked at me. I thought, sure, run me over, everyone dies. I Texted my boyfriend. I am walking aimlessly. his response was a question mark. guess my text needed clarification. I’m trying to walk off grief I said.
it felt weird to be alive encountering death so closely. I didn’t feel dead. I didn’t quite feel alive either. I had asked a colleague during the day, the staff in ICU, what are that made of? how do they do it?
similarly, what kind of people are chaplains exactly? how do chaplains do it? Are they pain and suffering junkies? no. pain sucks. suffering sucks. but we endure pain and suffering sometimes even choosing it as a profession because we care. it is a hard life. I’m not sure I can take it. all I can say is I sure am happy I got a chance to meet mr and mrs E. she was a lovely soul. so is Mr E.
the work i do
01 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
in faith, family, god, religion, work Tags: chaplaincy, end of life, hospital, judgment day, pastoral care
I didn’t know if when it would happen or if it ever would. It has been really hard to make patient visits. Then slowly starting this week, I feel more at ease like I did before. Last Sunday I answered an on call referral to ICU. I provided pastoral care to a family of actively dying patient. I presented the visit to my group. I didn’t do nearly as well as I thought I did after I considered some of the feedback from the group. Yet it was immensely difficult visit. I felt disconnected from life after the visit. Earlier in the week, I had few meaningful visits where patients wanted to talk about theological stuff. And then yesterday, prayed with two patients in particular that stand out in my mind. I prayed with one person who was really sick yet still had faith in God. And I provided end of life care to family of actively dying patient. The mother said why didn’t God take me? Why is God taking my son? I felt heart broken to hear that. I realize I don’t have any answers. All I can offer is support. I prayed with the mother and her family. And somehow I feel once again reminded of the fact that I do what I do not because it’s easy, not because I do it better than others, but because I am able and because I have been given the opportunity to provide care to patient and families in hospital setting. Another patient was anxious she may be judged after her death, which she believes is imminent, and she didn’t know what that would be like. More than anything, I hold on to the love of God. I told the patient that God loves her. And the judgment she would have faced, Jesus took in her place as he did for me as well. Really last Sunday I felt like I couldn’t keep making pastoral visits…too difficult, too sad, just too much to bear. But I see now that what I do can mean the difference between laying awake at night fearing the judgment day or wondering what God’s love would look and feel like when you finally go home, or whether God understands the pain of having your son in your sixties is being taken before you and being able to cry out to God who knows the pain you are going through because he too had lost his only begotten son. What can I say? It’s a privilege, it really is. The work I do, it matters.
a year already?
14 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
in boston, depression, faith, health, new york, recovery, relationship Tags: dreams, goals
wow, i moved to nyc about a year ago. it’s shocking what i was like when i came to ny last year and how much i have changed. happy to report that change has been for the better! who knew leaving boston and moving to ny would be one of he best decisions i ever made in my life??? i recovered from depression more than i had ever before. i am working and pursuing goals i want to pursue!!!
saying good bye
14 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
in christianity, faith, god, new york, relationship Tags: church
i’m going to say good bye to my kids tonight. it’s going to be so weird not preaching every sunday. i’m sure i’ll get used to it. i’d like to think that i’ll still be in touch with everyone at church. but i know it’ll be hard to stay in touch when i don’t see everyone regularly. i know i’m leaving for a good reason. but why does leaving feel so weird???
time limit
06 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
in depression, faith, family, health, recovery Tags: darkness, depression, despair, will power
i was feeling depressed all day yesterday and this morning. my thoughts were too dark to utter out loud to anyone except maybe to a therapist. since i don’t have a therapist right now, well, i didn’t really get to say what was on my mind. i tried to contain the thoughts and feelings inside me and prevent it from leading to self destructive acts. i haven’t felt this bad in a long long time. both the duration and intensity of how i was feeling was way more than i had experienced in about 6 months to a year. mostly because my mom is visiting me, there really was nothing i could do. so after being held to my bed as prisoner all day and all night and all morning, i came to the conclusion that enough is enough. time limit is up. no can do on feeling depressed any more for this week. i have a sermon to write, studying to do and preparations for new job coming up in few weeks. so for today at least i’m done being depressed. i don’t know how long my will power can keep dark thoughts from returning. i guess i’ll find out soon enough whether i’m successful or not.
