those closest to our heart
26 Mar 2012 2 Comments
in faith, god, personal, relationship, religion
It’s the hardest thing in the world to share with someone closest to my heart about my religious beliefs, which in fact profoundly define and shape who I am. Why should this be so? Don’t I trust this person who is closest to my heart that he will be understanding, patient, and loving all the same as I share my core beliefs? Ideally the answer would be yes. Since it isn’t yes, but a maybe, or I would hope so, I stop to reflect on the relationship between myself and the closest person to my heart. I feel and believe that I am unconditionally accepted by this person. But perhaps that is only head knowledge and not heart knowledge. Yes, I am scared to be vulnerable to the one person I can be vulnerable with and not fear rejection or judgment. This is likely to be more about me than the relationship. It takes courage to open up my inner most being to another person, even to the person I trust most. How do I acquire such a thing?
Merry Christmas…the year all my wishes came true
25 Dec 2011 1 Comment
in christianity, faith, god, personal, relationship, religion Tags: christmas, dreams, happiness, love, wishes
Merry Christmas, everyone! This was a great Christmas. One friend proposed to a girlfriend of eleven years and she said yes! Another friend gave birth to a beautiful girl! My boyfriend and I are together, again. 
We got to spend Christmas together. And I have a great roommate. I get to see my nieces and my two sisters in two days. I finished four units of CPE which means my badges in hospitals will now say chaplain instead of chaplain intern. I got great feedback on my final paper and terrific grade in the class I was taking. At this point in my life, for everything I could ask for, I got. So happy and feeling great! Thank you, God! Thank you, Jesus!
huh,
21 Nov 2011 1 Comment
in christianity, faith, god, personal, relationship Tags: broken heart, relationship
i am rapidly declining… i thought i was doing well. but this weekend, i hit another bump. now i’m not sure what’s good for me. i guess i know what i need. i mean, i was starting to think i needed my ex-boyfriend if i can’t make it through this break up. but then i realized, man, if i can’t make it through this break-up, being with my ex-boyfriend isn’t going to be much help. so with or without him, with or without being inebriated, i’m gonna have to make this work. i’m it. me plus God. that’s all i got.
crying on the inside
10 Nov 2011 1 Comment
in faith, god, personal, relationship Tags: heart break, love of my life, marriage, rejection, unrequieted love
well, maybe it doesn’t really matter that i’m crying on the inside if tears are flowing down on my face as well? i feel sadness all around me and in me. being paged to ICU patients who are kept alive by ventilators…comforting families at the end of life with their loved ones…and well, in other news, in my personal life, i think for the last time my boyfriend and i are no longer dating. it’s a strange phenomena actually. i feel sad. i feel it was the right and best decision for both of us. we both care about each other more than we do about anyone else in this world. i want to spend the rest of my life with him and don’t want any one else but myself to spend the rest of our lives together. not true for my ex-boyfriend. yes, he cares about me. yes, he’s greatly appreciative of all the ways in which i helped him in his life. no, he will never forget me. yes, i will always be in his heart. best heart-felt break up i was ever a part of. something in me tells me that while i love him and would and could spend rest of my life with him, that it would be stupid, hurtful to myself to stay with him when he doesn’t feel the same way about me. i love him under any condition and circumstance. he loves me in a limited way – here and now for while things work out for both of us, but not enough to commit himself whole-heartedly to growing and working together. i sense that i will benefit immensely from not being part of a relationship where it was impossible for there to be a future. but the pain and sadness now is real. with God by myself and some spirits in me, i’m good to go.
death and life
20 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
in faith, god, religion, theology, work Tags: chaplaincy, death, existential, meaning of life
What does it mean that we all will die at some point? I am a chaplain in training. Yesterday two of my patients died in ICU. And before that three patients died during the week. Patient that died in ICU, Edna (pseudonym) was a lovely person. So was her husband, Ed. I visited them twice before she got transferred to the ICU. She and Ed talked about Alaska as if it were the place to be! Imagine, Alaska, the state that elected Sarah Palin as governor! Mr and Mrs E encouraged me to apply for a job there. Oh they need people for everything! You need to be roughed though. Are you outdoorsy? Oh every guide we had carried a rifle. !!! it was on their trip to Alaska that Mrs E fell asleep on tours and Mr E knew something was wrong he said. It wasn’t like Edna to be sleeping on tours! Trip to Alaska had saved her life they said. Mrs E, how do you stay so positive? Oh, I give myself pep talks. You’ll have to teach me how you do that! Oh, I just talk to God. oh, that’s right up my ally! maybe next time we could pray together. …
but there was no next time. on my way up to the ICU to answer a page, I ran into Mr E. I was caught off guard. mr E answered the question I was thinking in my head. She’s not doing so well. she’s on life support. you want to meet my daughters? they are both here. sorry I was paged for another patient. I’ll drop by afterwards. my heart sank. on my way to ICU I was already sad, heart broken. when I dropped by mr E said to come back later. they are waiting for a priest. could I check on that? absolutely! I thought I’d get another chance to visit with the patient and family.
later in the afternoon, the room was closed. I could tell room was empty. still I had to find out. a clerk told me the patient expired. noooo. I thought I could come pray together with mr and mrs E. after I left the hospital, I felt like a lost spirit. I walked but I was looking past the objects. I wasn’t really seeing or thinking anything except when a cab angrily honked at me. I thought, sure, run me over, everyone dies. I Texted my boyfriend. I am walking aimlessly. his response was a question mark. guess my text needed clarification. I’m trying to walk off grief I said.
it felt weird to be alive encountering death so closely. I didn’t feel dead. I didn’t quite feel alive either. I had asked a colleague during the day, the staff in ICU, what are that made of? how do they do it?
similarly, what kind of people are chaplains exactly? how do chaplains do it? Are they pain and suffering junkies? no. pain sucks. suffering sucks. but we endure pain and suffering sometimes even choosing it as a profession because we care. it is a hard life. I’m not sure I can take it. all I can say is I sure am happy I got a chance to meet mr and mrs E. she was a lovely soul. so is Mr E.
