the work i do
01 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
in faith, family, god, religion, work Tags: chaplaincy, end of life, hospital, judgment day, pastoral care
I didn’t know if when it would happen or if it ever would. It has been really hard to make patient visits. Then slowly starting this week, I feel more at ease like I did before. Last Sunday I answered an on call referral to ICU. I provided pastoral care to a family of actively dying patient. I presented the visit to my group. I didn’t do nearly as well as I thought I did after I considered some of the feedback from the group. Yet it was immensely difficult visit. I felt disconnected from life after the visit. Earlier in the week, I had few meaningful visits where patients wanted to talk about theological stuff. And then yesterday, prayed with two patients in particular that stand out in my mind. I prayed with one person who was really sick yet still had faith in God. And I provided end of life care to family of actively dying patient. The mother said why didn’t God take me? Why is God taking my son? I felt heart broken to hear that. I realize I don’t have any answers. All I can offer is support. I prayed with the mother and her family. And somehow I feel once again reminded of the fact that I do what I do not because it’s easy, not because I do it better than others, but because I am able and because I have been given the opportunity to provide care to patient and families in hospital setting. Another patient was anxious she may be judged after her death, which she believes is imminent, and she didn’t know what that would be like. More than anything, I hold on to the love of God. I told the patient that God loves her. And the judgment she would have faced, Jesus took in her place as he did for me as well. Really last Sunday I felt like I couldn’t keep making pastoral visits…too difficult, too sad, just too much to bear. But I see now that what I do can mean the difference between laying awake at night fearing the judgment day or wondering what God’s love would look and feel like when you finally go home, or whether God understands the pain of having your son in your sixties is being taken before you and being able to cry out to God who knows the pain you are going through because he too had lost his only begotten son. What can I say? It’s a privilege, it really is. The work I do, it matters.
saying good bye
14 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
in christianity, faith, god, new york, relationship Tags: church
i’m going to say good bye to my kids tonight. it’s going to be so weird not preaching every sunday. i’m sure i’ll get used to it. i’d like to think that i’ll still be in touch with everyone at church. but i know it’ll be hard to stay in touch when i don’t see everyone regularly. i know i’m leaving for a good reason. but why does leaving feel so weird???
handwriting
08 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in faith, god, new york, personal, relationship, religion Tags: happiness, nostalgia, peace, relationship, single
i was going to try to keep a journal, meaning write things out by hand. i was wondering if writing blogs and publishing them or writing journals which would be kept private would make a difference on what i write. so i tried to hand write a journal entry. wow. never mind what i say or not say. writing with a pen on in a journal just takes too much physical effort! i had a real bad case of carpal tunnel many years ago. and recently i’ve been having tennis elbow type of problem with my right arm. so too much effort writing is just not going to work out.
so anyway…this weekend i had out of town guests, a whole family actually! my friend, her husband and her daughter stayed over. i met the baby for the first time. she’s only 5 months old! she was a happy baby. she kept smiling and i felt like she and i were connecting at some level. we hung out on our bed while the mom and dad were getting ready in the morning. i sang her some praise songs and she really liked it. most of the time she is fairly active vocally and physically. but while i was singing she just listened and seemed to be at peace! i love having guests over, especially good friends i haven’t seen in a long time. so happy my friends can stop by and stay over at my new place. it’s really a blessing to be able to host guests! i love it. i really do! most of the time friends say thanks for letting me stay over. and i really mean it when i tell them, oh no. thank you for staying over. i love having guests!
i’m realizing that being a Christian isn’t something you do by yourself. you can’t be a Christian just by relating to God or just relating to others. being a Christian involves relating to others based on the way you relate to God. God is really teaching me that. i’m living it.
it’s really strange. i don’t know if it’s a biological clock ticking or whatever. i usually feel like whether i am single for the rest of my life or find someone to share my life with is not something i want one way or another. but during the past week, i started thinking and feeling that if i could be in a good relationship, i would like that more than living my life alone for the rest of my life. it’s not good to dwell on that though. the key is wanting to be in a good relationship. i would rather be single than be in a bad relationship for the rest of my life! so i was really frustrated when i felt like i was missing my ex-boyfriend. he and i were not a good match. for sure, on my end, the relationship was not good. first few months were good. then once it started going downhill, there seemed to be no way to change the course of direction. so you can imagine why i was frustrated that i was feeling nostalgic over a relationship i know in my head and heart was not good for me.
i woke up at 3:30 am today. i don’t like getting up that early. but still as soon as i got up and was able to have a coherent thought, i felt at peace. i’m happy. 
i’m at peace. it is well with my soul. yes, i know “it is well with my soul” is the title of a hymn. i listened to it a few times this morning. i love that hymn. going to listen to it some more right now.
what i was made for
29 May 2010 Leave a Comment
in academic, depression, god, religion Tags: anxiety, apathy, motivation, nerd, survival
i called my mom this morning and talk to her for a long time. i realized as i was talking to her that on days i study i am not anxious, i feel pretty good over all and i am motivated to do other things as well. but on days i don’t study, i feel anxious, feel apathetic and unmotivated about everything! was i made to study? i’m beginning to believe that. i think God made me in such a way that i would find purpose and meaning in life when i study and not when i don’t. it isn’t even a matter of how good i am academically. studying for me is a matter of survival it seems. wonder how many people are made the way i was made. i’m a nerd and i’m proud of who i am.
heart break
19 Apr 2010 Leave a Comment
in christianity, faith, god, new york, religion Tags: heart break, service, worship
yesterday towards end of the service, i nearly came to tears. during the service, some of the kids were really distracted. at one point, almost everyone got up to see what happened in the kitchen (service is in the cafeteria open to kitchen area) when we heard a popping noise. before saying a prayer at the end, i told them how service is for God and that all the interruptions and talking during the service is interruption and talking during worship of God. as i was saying this, i could feel tears welling up in my eyes and my voice choking up. it wasn’t so much i was hurt by how service went. but everything that happened points to how real God is in our lives. it’s fine to talk while i’m talking generally speaking, except when it’s during service and i’m in the middle of preaching a message i think would help all of us come closer to God! some of the kids said they were sorry. i said, don’t be sorry to me. i hope they realize it’s not really my heart they are breaking.
