the worst
13 Nov 2011 2 Comments
in depression, faith, personal, relationship
life sucks. hope is gone. i want to linger in self pity. wallow in low self esteem. not sure what matters. or that anything matters at all. i don’t care. not even sure if there is anything i do care for. life is just unbearable. that’s all i can say for now.
crying on the inside
10 Nov 2011 1 Comment
in faith, god, personal, relationship Tags: heart break, love of my life, marriage, rejection, unrequieted love
well, maybe it doesn’t really matter that i’m crying on the inside if tears are flowing down on my face as well? i feel sadness all around me and in me. being paged to ICU patients who are kept alive by ventilators…comforting families at the end of life with their loved ones…and well, in other news, in my personal life, i think for the last time my boyfriend and i are no longer dating. it’s a strange phenomena actually. i feel sad. i feel it was the right and best decision for both of us. we both care about each other more than we do about anyone else in this world. i want to spend the rest of my life with him and don’t want any one else but myself to spend the rest of our lives together. not true for my ex-boyfriend. yes, he cares about me. yes, he’s greatly appreciative of all the ways in which i helped him in his life. no, he will never forget me. yes, i will always be in his heart. best heart-felt break up i was ever a part of. something in me tells me that while i love him and would and could spend rest of my life with him, that it would be stupid, hurtful to myself to stay with him when he doesn’t feel the same way about me. i love him under any condition and circumstance. he loves me in a limited way – here and now for while things work out for both of us, but not enough to commit himself whole-heartedly to growing and working together. i sense that i will benefit immensely from not being part of a relationship where it was impossible for there to be a future. but the pain and sadness now is real. with God by myself and some spirits in me, i’m good to go.
why oh why?
22 Oct 2011 1 Comment
in personal, relationship Tags: commitment, doubts, future, relationship
why do i do this? every now and then i think about where the relationship with my boyfriend is headed. it’s great now. but will it ever lead to a long term committed relationship? and what if it doesn’t? is that a reason for not being in the relationship now? why oh why do i do this to myself???
do i deserve better?
18 Mar 2011 5 Comments
in new york, personal, relationship Tags: boyfriend, dating, girl-crush, respect, sadness
last night (0r was it this afternoon), my girlfriend and i were telling each other that we deserve better. exact words were, we deserve to be adored! the context of the conversation is me waiting for my bf to call me after blowing off our plans last night to be with family. things are actually more complicated than that, but that’s how i felt at the moment. i wrote him an e-mail after he left to say how sad i was we didn’t get to hang out. he wrote back saying he was sorry. i liked how the e-mail started. then he went on for two three paragraphs explaining how he was doing the right thing by changing his mind and choosing not to spend time with me. he was going home to break fast with his family. he was fasting for good reasons. can you blame him? well, i can blame him. sure i can. he didn’t explain why he wanted to spend the evening with his family instead of spending the evening with me as we had planned. and when he did, it was in defense of his action without acknowledging how his actions made me feel so sad.
i am starting to wonder two things: why do i love this person so much when he upsets me so much and why don’t i just date my girlfriends instead when my girlfriends understand me so much better and actually call to check up on me while my boyfriend is MIA?
is love overrated? i don’t always get treated the way i would like to by my boyfriend. but all in all, i love this person who changes his mind and doesn’t think of me first. i have a “girl-crush” (to borrow my friend’s words) on my girl friend with whom i was commiserating with last night and this afternoon while my boyfriend wouldn’t return my phone calls. but against my better judgment, perhaps, i miss my boyfriend and want to spend time with him when we can, i.e. when he doesn’t change his mind about our plans.
he did call later in the afternoon today, about 24 hrs after he left me to go home to his parents leaving me stranded on 3rd avenue on upper east side. i told him i wanted to talk to him when i was upset, even when he’s the person who upset me, and that it upsets me that he didn’t call to see how i was doing. he didn’t call, he said because one of my e-mails really hurt his feelings and he felt i said things that were not warranted. it seems it’s too much to ask for you to consider my feelings, i wrote. i was expressing how hurt i felt that he didn’t seem to consider my feelings. he heard me accuse him of not caring for my feelings at all.
do i deserve better? if so, i deserve better from the person i love and want to be with. who cares if a person would treat me with utmost respect if i don’t want to be with that person? but why do i want to be with this person who doesn’t always treat me the way i know i deserve to be treated? is it lack of self-respect? do i not believe that anyone else would treat me better? in the end, i love my boyfriend and want to be there for him and want him to be there for me. love makes you do pretty crazy things, even stay with someone when they hurt you and make you cry in front of your girlfriends. and yes, i do deserve better. we all do.
dating not dating
15 Jan 2011 25 Comments
in new york, personal, relationship Tags: dating, relationship
yes. and no. i always find myself in situations where i’m in a relationship where i can’t tell everyone that i am dating! so yes i’m dating. and no i’m not dating! i guess the answer depends on who you are. it’s not just the answer that is confusing. i feel like i’m dating and also like i am not dating. it’s not morally wrong for us to date. it just would upset a lot of people that we are dating. so much energy goes into not dating publicly. it’s ridiculous. and yet, it is my life at the moment.
