the worst
13 Nov 2011 2 Comments
in depression, faith, personal, relationship
life sucks. hope is gone. i want to linger in self pity. wallow in low self esteem. not sure what matters. or that anything matters at all. i don’t care. not even sure if there is anything i do care for. life is just unbearable. that’s all i can say for now.
crying on the inside
10 Nov 2011 1 Comment
in faith, god, personal, relationship Tags: heart break, love of my life, marriage, rejection, unrequieted love
well, maybe it doesn’t really matter that i’m crying on the inside if tears are flowing down on my face as well? i feel sadness all around me and in me. being paged to ICU patients who are kept alive by ventilators…comforting families at the end of life with their loved ones…and well, in other news, in my personal life, i think for the last time my boyfriend and i are no longer dating. it’s a strange phenomena actually. i feel sad. i feel it was the right and best decision for both of us. we both care about each other more than we do about anyone else in this world. i want to spend the rest of my life with him and don’t want any one else but myself to spend the rest of our lives together. not true for my ex-boyfriend. yes, he cares about me. yes, he’s greatly appreciative of all the ways in which i helped him in his life. no, he will never forget me. yes, i will always be in his heart. best heart-felt break up i was ever a part of. something in me tells me that while i love him and would and could spend rest of my life with him, that it would be stupid, hurtful to myself to stay with him when he doesn’t feel the same way about me. i love him under any condition and circumstance. he loves me in a limited way – here and now for while things work out for both of us, but not enough to commit himself whole-heartedly to growing and working together. i sense that i will benefit immensely from not being part of a relationship where it was impossible for there to be a future. but the pain and sadness now is real. with God by myself and some spirits in me, i’m good to go.
why oh why?
22 Oct 2011 1 Comment
in personal, relationship Tags: commitment, doubts, future, relationship
why do i do this? every now and then i think about where the relationship with my boyfriend is headed. it’s great now. but will it ever lead to a long term committed relationship? and what if it doesn’t? is that a reason for not being in the relationship now? why oh why do i do this to myself???
come what may
17 Sep 2011 1 Comment
in relationship Tags: break up, getting back together, relationship
for two and half weeks my boyfriend and I stuck to breaking up. then came the day before my trip home and he wanted to see me. God knows when you meet up with an ex-boyfriend what happens! so yes. back together for a month already. come what may, we are together for now.
Biological Clock
05 Aug 2011 Leave a Comment
in health, relationship Tags: babies, biological clock
is there such thing as biological clock? if they exist, i’m sure that i don’t have one in me. i’m getting older and older. my friends are married, and on their way to first or second child, if not third. as i’m getting older, if i had a biological clock, if it were ticking at all, wouldn’t i get the sense that maybe i should find my man, settle down and start popping out babies? i am skeptical at this point that biological clocks exist, or if they do that i have one that is ticking!
