how badly do i want it?
24 Nov 2010 Leave a Comment
in academic, philosophy, religion, theology Tags: academia, phd
really badly! i saw a preview of a movie with russell crowe where in 24 hr period he has to fight for everything worth living for in his life. likewise, more than anything in the world, i want to get into a philosophy of religion phd program for next fall. when i say more than anything in the world, i mean just that. could i live with myself if i don’t get in anywhere? yes. would i be happy? no. i don’t think i ever felt as sure and focused about what to do with my life as much as i feel about pursuing philosophy of religion degree! my life doesn’t depend on it. my sanity does. i really hope and pray and will do my best to get into a program for next fall. that’s the plan anyhow.
meditation
12 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
in christianity, new york, religion Tags: buddhist, meditation
for the first time in my life, i went to a buddhist monastery for meditation. the chanting part was weird. i wasn’t prostrating but i couldn’t keep up with getting up and down. i started feeling dizzy. after 30 minutes of chanting, which i just listened to, we had 30 minutes of sitting. i didn’t know i could move. so the entire time, my legs were numb. well, ok, they were numb about 10 minutes into the sitting. and about 3 times, i felt real intense clarity of my mind. it was really cool. i wouldn’t say i was really doing buddhist meditation though. it was more prayerful for me given that i’m a christian. that’s who i am. i wasn’t going to the meditation to try on buddhism. it was fascinating. i mean, religious experience of meditating in a buddhist context/surrounding compared to mindfulness or christian meditating…not sure of all the similarities and differences. the experience last night was definitely interesting!
the way things were
29 Jul 2010 Leave a Comment
in new york, personal, relationship, religion Tags: happiness, now, past
why is it so hard to enjoy what i have in the present moment and be happy now? i hardly ever have regrets. and i’m not regretting decisions i made in the past. it’s just that sometimes i want a little bit of what i had in the past now, realizing that in the past i chose not to have whatever it is/was in my life (which means i had good reasons for choosing something else). i hate it when i know i had good reasons for my choices, but i miss the way things were, well, not entirely, only the good parts. 
handwriting
08 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in faith, god, new york, personal, relationship, religion Tags: happiness, nostalgia, peace, relationship, single
i was going to try to keep a journal, meaning write things out by hand. i was wondering if writing blogs and publishing them or writing journals which would be kept private would make a difference on what i write. so i tried to hand write a journal entry. wow. never mind what i say or not say. writing with a pen on in a journal just takes too much physical effort! i had a real bad case of carpal tunnel many years ago. and recently i’ve been having tennis elbow type of problem with my right arm. so too much effort writing is just not going to work out.
so anyway…this weekend i had out of town guests, a whole family actually! my friend, her husband and her daughter stayed over. i met the baby for the first time. she’s only 5 months old! she was a happy baby. she kept smiling and i felt like she and i were connecting at some level. we hung out on our bed while the mom and dad were getting ready in the morning. i sang her some praise songs and she really liked it. most of the time she is fairly active vocally and physically. but while i was singing she just listened and seemed to be at peace! i love having guests over, especially good friends i haven’t seen in a long time. so happy my friends can stop by and stay over at my new place. it’s really a blessing to be able to host guests! i love it. i really do! most of the time friends say thanks for letting me stay over. and i really mean it when i tell them, oh no. thank you for staying over. i love having guests!
i’m realizing that being a Christian isn’t something you do by yourself. you can’t be a Christian just by relating to God or just relating to others. being a Christian involves relating to others based on the way you relate to God. God is really teaching me that. i’m living it.
it’s really strange. i don’t know if it’s a biological clock ticking or whatever. i usually feel like whether i am single for the rest of my life or find someone to share my life with is not something i want one way or another. but during the past week, i started thinking and feeling that if i could be in a good relationship, i would like that more than living my life alone for the rest of my life. it’s not good to dwell on that though. the key is wanting to be in a good relationship. i would rather be single than be in a bad relationship for the rest of my life! so i was really frustrated when i felt like i was missing my ex-boyfriend. he and i were not a good match. for sure, on my end, the relationship was not good. first few months were good. then once it started going downhill, there seemed to be no way to change the course of direction. so you can imagine why i was frustrated that i was feeling nostalgic over a relationship i know in my head and heart was not good for me.
i woke up at 3:30 am today. i don’t like getting up that early. but still as soon as i got up and was able to have a coherent thought, i felt at peace. i’m happy. i’m at peace. it is well with my soul. yes, i know “it is well with my soul” is the title of a hymn. i listened to it a few times this morning. i love that hymn. going to listen to it some more right now.
things that make you go, hmmm
06 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in personal, relationship, religion
why do i think about things i don’t want to think about, not thinking about things i do want to think about? i do things i don’t want to be doing. instead, i do things i don’t want to do! if there ever were a split between the mind and the body, wow, my mind knows things i don’t want to do. but i keep finding myself doing things i don’t want to do! i’m losing the battle i think. instead of being really frustrated about what i’m doing, i just think, oh well. i really don’t want to go backwards. i want to move forward. and i know that the things i don’t want to do, things i don’t want to think about, are pushing me back, not moving me forward. oh my goodness! ok. i am frustrated. i’m setting myself up for failure! stop. stop. stop…
