Biological Clock
05 Aug 2011 Leave a Comment
in health, relationship Tags: babies, biological clock
is there such thing as biological clock? if they exist, i’m sure that i don’t have one in me. i’m getting older and older. my friends are married, and on their way to first or second child, if not third. as i’m getting older, if i had a biological clock, if it were ticking at all, wouldn’t i get the sense that maybe i should find my man, settle down and start popping out babies? i am skeptical at this point that biological clocks exist, or if they do that i have one that is ticking!
New Era
05 Aug 2011 3 Comments
in relationship Tags: heart break, love, single, unrequited love
so after about nine months, the relationship is over. i’m still processing everything, sorting things out in my head and in my heart. i’m sure the decision to stop dating was the right decision for both of us. how could such a right decision feel so wrong? i’m happy to be single. maybe i wasn’t even made to be part of a relationship but to be a self-sufficient single person for the rest of my life. but after nine months of sharing my life with someone, it feels weird not to have someone to call to talk about things that happened to me that i want to share with someone who really cares about me. a week after we broke up, i was told on the phone, yes, i do love you. was i supposed to be happy to hear confirmation of how he felt about me, a week after we mutually broke up? love is a funny thing. at this point, to be honest, i don’t even know what it means when someone says i love you. i used to say i love you a lot. i stopped saying it when i got tired of hearing thank you after i said i love you. thank you isn’t bad. it’s better than silence. … i feel as though i have lived a life of unrequited love. it’s not that no one has ever been in love with me. it’s never at the same time, or at the right place in our lives, etc. in times like these, i am so thankful that my identity is so strongly defined by what i do and how i relate to the world than by whether there is a person who loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. i was really sad two weeks ago about breaking up with the person i thought i could spend the rest of my life with. for half a week, i lost my appetite so much i lost few pounds. but now my appetite is back, but not the way it used to be. and now i don’t want to be sad. i want to get used to my life as a single person. maybe i should get used to it for good. i could spend my energy instead on developing and deepening friendships, good friendships. end of an era brings in beginning of a new era. in this new era, i plan on being more caring of my self, more loving to my self, and gentler on my self. if i don’t love myself, i’m not sure anyone else will, well no human being in any case.
Whoa
05 Aug 2011 Leave a Comment
Today was the last day of summer CPE. I can’t believe I managed to finish another unit of CPE! How did that happen exactly? I’m going to miss my group, my unit, my supervisor and staff chaplains. I feel like a different, better person today than I was before CPE. Who knew in a year, you could actually catch up on growing up?
six months!
16 May 2011 1 Comment
in new york, relationship Tags: anniversary, milestone
today marks six months since my boyfriend and i have been dating. where did the time go? i just thought i should make note of the occasion somewhere. 
we are more open about our relationship in some respects to close friends… a huge improvement i would say. our relationship is a work in progress. we’re learning from each other and teaching each other so that we can be there for one another better. i want to say i’m looking forward to another six months. but i think we’re better at taking one day at a time.
do i deserve better?
18 Mar 2011 3 Comments
in new york, personal, relationship Tags: boyfriend, dating, girl-crush, respect, sadness
last night (0r was it this afternoon), my girlfriend and i were telling each other that we deserve better. exact words were, we deserve to be adored! the context of the conversation is me waiting for my bf to call me after blowing off our plans last night to be with family. things are actually more complicated than that, but that’s how i felt at the moment. i wrote him an e-mail after he left to say how sad i was we didn’t get to hang out. he wrote back saying he was sorry. i liked how the e-mail started. then he went on for two three paragraphs explaining how he was doing the right thing by changing his mind and choosing not to spend time with me. he was going home to break fast with his family. he was fasting for good reasons. can you blame him? well, i can blame him. sure i can. he didn’t explain why he wanted to spend the evening with his family instead of spending the evening with me as we had planned. and when he did, it was in defense of his action without acknowledging how his actions made me feel so sad.
i am starting to wonder two things: why do i love this person so much when he upsets me so much and why don’t i just date my girlfriends instead when my girlfriends understand me so much better and actually call to check up on me while my boyfriend is MIA?
is love overrated? i don’t always get treated the way i would like to by my boyfriend. but all in all, i love this person who changes his mind and doesn’t think of me first. i have a “girl-crush” (to borrow my friend’s words) on my girl friend with whom i was commiserating with last night and this afternoon while my boyfriend wouldn’t return my phone calls. but against my better judgment, perhaps, i miss my boyfriend and want to spend time with him when we can, i.e. when he doesn’t change his mind about our plans.
he did call later in the afternoon today, about 24 hrs after he left me to go home to his parents leaving me stranded on 3rd avenue on upper east side. i told him i wanted to talk to him when i was upset, even when he’s the person who upset me, and that it upsets me that he didn’t call to see how i was doing. he didn’t call, he said because one of my e-mails really hurt his feelings and he felt i said things that were not warranted. it seems it’s too much to ask for you to consider my feelings, i wrote. i was expressing how hurt i felt that he didn’t seem to consider my feelings. he heard me accuse him of not caring for my feelings at all.
do i deserve better? if so, i deserve better from the person i love and want to be with. who cares if a person would treat me with utmost respect if i don’t want to be with that person? but why do i want to be with this person who doesn’t always treat me the way i know i deserve to be treated? is it lack of self-respect? do i not believe that anyone else would treat me better? in the end, i love my boyfriend and want to be there for him and want him to be there for me. love makes you do pretty crazy things, even stay with someone when they hurt you and make you cry in front of your girlfriends. and yes, i do deserve better. we all do.
