Merry Christmas…the year all my wishes came true
25 Dec 2011 1 Comment
in christianity, faith, god, personal, relationship, religion Tags: christmas, dreams, happiness, love, wishes
Merry Christmas, everyone! This was a great Christmas. One friend proposed to a girlfriend of eleven years and she said yes! Another friend gave birth to a beautiful girl! My boyfriend and I are together, again. 
We got to spend Christmas together. And I have a great roommate. I get to see my nieces and my two sisters in two days. I finished four units of CPE which means my badges in hospitals will now say chaplain instead of chaplain intern. I got great feedback on my final paper and terrific grade in the class I was taking. At this point in my life, for everything I could ask for, I got. So happy and feeling great! Thank you, God! Thank you, Jesus!
sooner or later
26 Feb 2011 Leave a Comment
in relationship, religion Tags: breaking up, dating, happiness, peace
Someone commented on my last blog that dating and not dating at the same time (to different groups of people, etc.) was fine for a while but that it got annoying. For me, it wasn’t annoying as much as undermining self-respect! I couldn’t figure out what I really wanted. So I wrote things out. I heard the voice in me that was there all along. I want to be in a relationship with someone who accepts me, respects me and can and is proud to tell others that he is dating me! Bottom line is this: I want to date someone who could marry me, not that I have to get married or that I have to marry the guy I’m dating at the time, but I sure don’t want to be in a relationship where a long-term relationship is ruled out! It was bound to happen sooner or later that I come to my senses and declare myself single again which feels very self-affirming and I am very much at peace with it. One thing I know about relationships still holds true: it’s better being single than being in a “bad” relationship. I feel hopeful and happy.
the way things were
29 Jul 2010 Leave a Comment
in new york, personal, relationship, religion Tags: happiness, now, past
why is it so hard to enjoy what i have in the present moment and be happy now? i hardly ever have regrets. and i’m not regretting decisions i made in the past. it’s just that sometimes i want a little bit of what i had in the past now, realizing that in the past i chose not to have whatever it is/was in my life (which means i had good reasons for choosing something else). i hate it when i know i had good reasons for my choices, but i miss the way things were, well, not entirely, only the good parts.
handwriting
08 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in faith, god, new york, personal, relationship, religion Tags: happiness, nostalgia, peace, relationship, single
i was going to try to keep a journal, meaning write things out by hand. i was wondering if writing blogs and publishing them or writing journals which would be kept private would make a difference on what i write. so i tried to hand write a journal entry. wow. never mind what i say or not say. writing with a pen on in a journal just takes too much physical effort! i had a real bad case of carpal tunnel many years ago. and recently i’ve been having tennis elbow type of problem with my right arm. so too much effort writing is just not going to work out.
so anyway…this weekend i had out of town guests, a whole family actually! my friend, her husband and her daughter stayed over. i met the baby for the first time. she’s only 5 months old! she was a happy baby. she kept smiling and i felt like she and i were connecting at some level. we hung out on our bed while the mom and dad were getting ready in the morning. i sang her some praise songs and she really liked it. most of the time she is fairly active vocally and physically. but while i was singing she just listened and seemed to be at peace! i love having guests over, especially good friends i haven’t seen in a long time. so happy my friends can stop by and stay over at my new place. it’s really a blessing to be able to host guests! i love it. i really do! most of the time friends say thanks for letting me stay over. and i really mean it when i tell them, oh no. thank you for staying over. i love having guests!
i’m realizing that being a Christian isn’t something you do by yourself. you can’t be a Christian just by relating to God or just relating to others. being a Christian involves relating to others based on the way you relate to God. God is really teaching me that. i’m living it.
it’s really strange. i don’t know if it’s a biological clock ticking or whatever. i usually feel like whether i am single for the rest of my life or find someone to share my life with is not something i want one way or another. but during the past week, i started thinking and feeling that if i could be in a good relationship, i would like that more than living my life alone for the rest of my life. it’s not good to dwell on that though. the key is wanting to be in a good relationship. i would rather be single than be in a bad relationship for the rest of my life! so i was really frustrated when i felt like i was missing my ex-boyfriend. he and i were not a good match. for sure, on my end, the relationship was not good. first few months were good. then once it started going downhill, there seemed to be no way to change the course of direction. so you can imagine why i was frustrated that i was feeling nostalgic over a relationship i know in my head and heart was not good for me.
i woke up at 3:30 am today. i don’t like getting up that early. but still as soon as i got up and was able to have a coherent thought, i felt at peace. i’m happy. i’m at peace. it is well with my soul. yes, i know “it is well with my soul” is the title of a hymn. i listened to it a few times this morning. i love that hymn. going to listen to it some more right now.
just when you think you know
29 Nov 2009 Leave a Comment
in personal, relationship Tags: boy friend, breaking up, communication, happiness, heart break, love, romantic relationship
why is it so hard to figure things out in a relationship? for better or worse, i tell my bf every now and then about things that i’m not happy about. it usually happens in a form of a blog or an e-mail. and usually he has no comment. so i keep going on in variations on the same theme, about whatever i’m unhappy about. i don’t get upset over one particular action. i tend to get upset about pattern of behavior.
this past week, having sent my e-mail to my bf about stuff i’m unhappy about, i didn’t hear from him for an entire day! i started panicking i guess because i started bracing myself for being single again, you know what i mean? it’s nice to think that i’m independent and don’t need my bf for anything. i mean, who wants to need someone? that’s always been my way of thinking: avoid getting into a situation in life where i really need someone because they may not be there for me and break my heart. and i’ve tried so hard for so long that i’m perfectly happy being detached from entanglements of emotions to friends and family for the most part. it’s not the best way to live. i know that. but i don’t totally isolate myself. i just remain detached from emotions, as much as i can, as much as possible.
but then earlier this year, i met my bf. i don’t know if he would agree, but i was sure we would never end up dating. so i was unguarded and somehow opened up myself without all the protective gear i put on. strange thing is that i wasn’t scared. i wanted to be with him more than i was scared to be heart-broken. so this relationship is kind of a milestone kind of relationship, the only relationship where i wasn’t afraid to be in a relationship and the first time i was in the relationship because i wanted to be in the relationship.
i guess though, over time, as one would expect, i discovered little by little that my bf isn’t perfect. who knew? i guess i knew but it didn’t really register. so now, 9 months into dating the same person, willingly, i’m realizing that it’s time to work together or call it quits. that’s what it seems like to me. either i get better about communicating and let him know how i feel about some of the things he does that make me less than happy. or it’s time to walk away.
i’m an expert at walking away. i mean, i need to borrow someone else’s hand if i wanted to count using hands how many relationships i walked out from, unscathed and untangled, effortlessly. so this past week, i’ve been on my eject mode, like push a button, like on batman’s bat-mobile, and i pop out of the relationship, i mean the car, just like that.
i wasn’t going to call my bf after sending him a quarterly report about what i was unhappy about until i heard from him first. well, i had high hopes for about a day. then my bf called to see how i was doing. then later that night we had a conversation where i was trying to articulate what i wanted in a relationship and ended up sounding like i was in deep deep fog. i really don’t know. i mean, i do know somethings about what i want in a relationship and that my bf and i aren’t there right now. but it’s really hard to put my finger on it.
then as i was saying things even i couldn’t make sense of or why i was saying something, i started missing my bf. oh i don’t know. i just wanted to see him. and hearing his voice and the way he thinks and talks, well, these are all the things that made me fall in love in the first place.
so i’m thinking now that maybe before one throws out the baby with the bathwater, it’s worth the effort to try to make things work. it’s just like buying a lottery ticket. well, not exactly. maybe it’s like applying to harvard when you don’t think you’ll get in to the school. you may or may not get in to the school. but if you don’t submit your application, then there’s no chance at all that you will get accepted. and if you apply and get rejected, well, you haven’t lost anything really. but if you get in, well, then you call up the financial aid office and negotiate a sweet financial aid package. hehe. ok, if you get in to whatever school of your dreams, then you go to the school and live life. that’s all. simply live.
so i’m changing gears. instead of bracing myself for popping out of the car, i’m going to buckle up and keep my eyes open and stay in the car. after all, it’s the only relationship i wasn’t afraid to commit to. so maybe i’ll be surprised. here’s to taking chances in life!
