the other shoe

11 Nov 2009 1 Comment

by bleuemoon in boston, depression, new york, personal, philosophy, relationship Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

i’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. i’ve been going out with my bf for about 8 months now. and things are fine, more or less. i’m doing a lot better over all. successfully moved and starting to settle into new place in nyc. don’t really miss boston too much. but then was i waiting for something bad to happen? for a while everything was perfect, well almost perfect. then i started crying on consecutive days and not due to my reproductive cycle, thank you very much. and couldn’t stop crying even when my bf was with me.

so all that to say, is happiness really only a phantom of the imagination? maybe it’s something disney and hallmark and the marketing people at various places conjured up so they could sell movies, cards, chocolates, flowers, etc.

i was always unhappy. i was depressed. totally utterly in despair. that i can deal with. well, except when things got really worse then i couldn’t cope anymore. so then when i started feeling better after 5-6 years of really bad depression, i was skeptical at first. many changes took place that could explain why i was feeling better. i stopped working with the therapist i had for about 5 + years without miraculous improvement or anything. doctors on my treatment team tweaked with my medication. i started dating my current bf. i hadn’t dated anyone in over ten years before i started dating him. i mean, i dated. but i didn’t have a boyfriend for i don’t even know how long actually.

spring of 2002 to end of 2008 (my second depression episode) utterly sucked. only thing that was going to make it worse was to be treated with ECT (eletro convulsive therapy). my old psychiatrist recommended that and was banking that ECT was my only hope of coming out of deep deep depression. well, i wasn’t going to have my brain fried. so i fired her. moved on to a new therapist, new psycho-pharmacologist, and continued on with DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). well, for about a good 8 months i had consecutive days of non-suicidal ideation or urges which had never happened before since the depression of 2002 started.

lately, however, after months and months of not wanting to die anymore, i can smell it in the air. the muse which beckons me to death, to take matters into my own hands, it is slowly but surely making her move on me. past couple weeks, i cried, overdosed mildly couple of times, drank, and thought about whether there is really a point to my life after all. yes. the question that i could not get out of my head for about 6 years, not even for a single day, it came back to me. and i started wondering, what’s the point? why work so hard at recovery? why try so hard to feel better? it’s not going to last anyway. life sucks, right? and being depressed and feeling pain and suffering in life sucks even more!

so today i told my psycho-pharmacologist that i’ve been thinking about what’s the point of my life. i told her i had been dancing with suicidal thoughts. maybe for now it’s enough just to admit that i’m unhappy. being happy for the 8 months or so, well, maybe absence of utter despair is like happiness. but now as i’m feeling better, it isn’t good enough just not to feel pain. i want to have a meaningful life. yes, i want to have a life worth living. a life worth staying alive for. not sure i’m there yet. or that i’ll ever get there.

is it time to give up again? i’m not sure. all i know for sure is that while in the past i was happy just to see my bf, now i cry even when he is there. i cry because i want more. i don’t just want to hang out, i want some kind of certainty that things mean something. i’m not happy just to read some articles here and there, or to just send applications out even on slim chance that someone might look at my resume. i want a job. i want to go back to school.

but wanting things, that’s what leads to disappointment and pain. so i decided i think, subconsciously, not to want any of it anymore. so again i am where i was before this bit of relief found me after years of stormy darkness. i don’t want to be here anymore if being here means i’ll be unhappy and if it means i live to testify to the happiness i don’t have.

nrb (karaoke) for 3 hrs – un/requited love

08 Jun 2009 Leave a Comment

by bleuemoon in personal, relationship Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

this past weekend, i was visiting my bf and we went to no-rae-bang (aka nrb = karaoke) for 3 hours!  it was just the two of us.  that means each of us sang for about an hour and a half.  mind you, neither of us are part of a choir or anything like that.  i can’t remember the last time i was at nrb!

it was so sweet that my bf sang couple songs to me in korean.  :)   i took a break from dating for about ten years before i met my current bf so it’s really strange not to be single.  it’s so nice and absolutely lovely that someone (someone i like) likes me and wants to be with me (at the same time i want to be with them)!  always always in the past it’s bad timing or some variation of unrequited love on either party.  mostly i would lose interest in about a month.  so i warned my bf too when we started dating that i expire in about a month in a relationship.

it’s really strange i must say.  all the phobias i have about intimacy, commitment and whatever else just disappeared.  not scared to get to know someone really well.  not scared someone is getting to know me really well.  not scared that he won’t like me the more he get to know me.  and more and more interested everyday as i get to know him better.  i mean, is this why people stay in one relationship for a long long time?  never knew why people would do such a crazy thing.  think i’m experiencing why anyone would.  :)

so i’m wondering, i mean, i think the honey-moon stage lasted the first time we had to really figure out now to communicate better.  i wanted to just get off the phone and sleep.  he didn’t want me to just walk away from things we were talking about.  usually i just walk out on the relationship all together, let alone carry out the conversation to the end.  but somehow we talked it through, managed to end feeling better than when we started talking about stuff that was upsetting to both of us, and felt closer (at least on my end) than before too.  but do things really stay this good?  ok, granted it’s not always up and up and up and i’m not constantly experiencing feelings of happiness or ecstasy.  but for the most part, i feel good being with my current bf than not.  i think we’re both better with each other than we are alone or with other people we might be dating.

so anyway, plenty of things to blog about now even though my depression isn’t so crazy bad anymore.  after about 7 yrs of hard-core depression and constant battle with suicidal ideation, being happy for an enduring period of time of any length is just so strange.  i feel like i’m living someone else’s life!  i know i’m not.  i know it’s my life that has taken an absolutely amazing turn for the better.  and that my bf really knows me well, especially at my worst, and still is interested in me and loves me.  but man, talk about radical acceptance!  there are times when i wonder if all of it is really real!  :)

happy without a therapist!

03 Nov 2008 Leave a Comment

by bleuemoon in depression, personal Tags: , , ,

it is really strange.  people are wondering if i am holding up ok without my usual twice a week therapy sessions with the psychiatrist i knew since 1991.  and it takes me couple of seconds to answer with certainly that i don’t think i have felt freer and happier since 2002 which is when this crazy long depression started.  oh, also, i am back on all my meds.  i refused to take couple of the medicine i am supposed to be taking because i was too angry at my old psychiatrist to take prescriptions from her.  so for couple of weeks, i was without two of the meds.  then when my PCP gave me prescriptions, i was only able to fill three on time.  other three i had to wait for physical prescription to arrive in mail (the front desk people of my PCP’s office mailed the prescriptions to me per my request because they didn’t know they weren’t supposed to mail out controlled substance prescriptions).  so anyway this past week, i started going to partial hospital on wednesday, took all my meds since wednesday also, and by friday, i realized i feel like myself again.  it’s really strange.  people worry that if you take psych meds, that it will change who you are.  but i found that without the meds i am supposed to be taking, a strange woman emerges and i am nowhere to be found.  and the strange woman trapped in my body is not a pleasant person to be around.  but when i take all my meds, the strange woman fades away and the person that i know myself to be emerges.  and i like myself a lot better on medicine than not on medicine because when i’m not on medicine, i become a stranger to myself!

i have even started making attempts at working on my thesis so that i might get the degree i’ve been working towards.  when i am studying, i know i’m okay because when i am unstable, i can’t study and don’t care about anything, least of all some degree that no one cares if i have or not.

is it weird to like who you are?  in the past couple of days, i feel like i was reintroduced to me.  and honestly, if i might say so myself, i like who i am.  and i like feeling the way i do when i’m stable.  i only wish that i could have more days like this.  one day is great.  i’ve had one day happiness before.  but it would be nice to have a series of days like this.  i know things won’t be great all the time.  i just would like a string of good days so that i can build a life worth living.

god is good. oh yeah.

21 Apr 2008 Leave a Comment

by bleuemoon in family, personal, religion Tags: , ,

my friend’s father got out of surgery.  the surgery seemed to last forever!  i was waiting to hear from my friend and was so relieved and happy to hear that the surgery went well!  thank you God!

i was feeling miserable because of the news of my friend’s parents both needing surgery, another friend’s family member passing away, and another friend feeling really emotionally rocky right now.

i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off!

another good news is that a friend who is a mom of two ran the boston marathon and finished it!  she ran for four and a half hours.  can you imagine running for that long?  wow.  i’m so happy for her.

yes, like sucks sometimes.  but then there are times when you just want to thank god and feel happy for yourself or for others.  :)

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