crying on the inside
10 Nov 2011 1 Comment
in faith, god, personal, relationship Tags: heart break, love of my life, marriage, rejection, unrequieted love
well, maybe it doesn’t really matter that i’m crying on the inside if tears are flowing down on my face as well? i feel sadness all around me and in me. being paged to ICU patients who are kept alive by ventilators…comforting families at the end of life with their loved ones…and well, in other news, in my personal life, i think for the last time my boyfriend and i are no longer dating. it’s a strange phenomena actually. i feel sad. i feel it was the right and best decision for both of us. we both care about each other more than we do about anyone else in this world. i want to spend the rest of my life with him and don’t want any one else but myself to spend the rest of our lives together. not true for my ex-boyfriend. yes, he cares about me. yes, he’s greatly appreciative of all the ways in which i helped him in his life. no, he will never forget me. yes, i will always be in his heart. best heart-felt break up i was ever a part of. something in me tells me that while i love him and would and could spend rest of my life with him, that it would be stupid, hurtful to myself to stay with him when he doesn’t feel the same way about me. i love him under any condition and circumstance. he loves me in a limited way – here and now for while things work out for both of us, but not enough to commit himself whole-heartedly to growing and working together. i sense that i will benefit immensely from not being part of a relationship where it was impossible for there to be a future. but the pain and sadness now is real. with God by myself and some spirits in me, i’m good to go.
love of my life
19 Sep 2009 Leave a Comment
in personal, relationship Tags: boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, love of my life
i nearly broke into tears last night while my bf was talking about one of his ex-girlfriends who he refers to as the love of his life. it never used to bother me before that he talked about her or that he talked about her as the love of his life. i know he doesn’t have feelings for her anymore, and that it has been a while since the break-up and all. i got pangs of pain in my heart though while he talked about her last night. i wondered would he ever talk about me the way he talks about her? and not because i’m being all insecure about myself, but based on the way he talks about her and the way he interacts with me, i just don’t think i would ever be the love of his life. i don’t think he would ever say so, at least not right now even if he knew it himself. so only time will tell (me) whether he would or could ever be in love with me the way he was in love with her. some times you just get a gut feeling about things, you know? and i got a feeling in my gut/heart that i would never be the love of his life the way she was to him. no wonder i wanted to cry. he’s the love of my life.
