falling in love
12 Nov 2010 Leave a Comment
in relationship, Uncategorized Tags: love
i can feel it. i’m about to fall in love… kinda scary, kinda nice and lovely all at the same time!
and i get paid?
07 Mar 2010 1 Comment
in christianity, depression, god, new york, personal, religion Tags: church, job, love
i love what i do! last saturday, after eating a delicious home cooked meal i played board games with people. had ice cream and brownies for dessert. another saturday i just hung out at a ski lodge while watching people ski. and to prepare for sundays i get to spend time learning about things i like thinking about anyway. was i made to be in the ministry? my job doesn’t feel like a job. i love leading bible studies, preparing and delivering sermons, praying for and with people, and i like being with people more than i like spending time by myself. and i get paid to do what i love to do and would want to do with my time anyway. i get paid in chewing gum…j/k. sounds too good to be true, right? but it is real. i love it. things are so different from a year ago when i was still struggling with depression and trying so hard to stay alive! thanks God. thanks everyone. 
bed time story
09 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment
in personal, relationship Tags: bed time story, happily ever after, happy ending, love
once upon a time, long story short, there was a woman who was called “stupid woman” by her significant other. one day she finally realized that indeed she was stupid! the man had some kind of knack for seeing into the future maybe? anyway, the stupid woman realizes that to stop being a stupid woman, she has to leave the man she loves. how could anyone love a stupid woman, she thought to herself? it was clear to the stupid woman, that she had to leave the man. stupid is as stupid does, right? i mean, to stop being stupid, for starters, the woman had to stop being with a man who kept telling her that she was stupid. it’s some what disturbing how much power our environment has over our psyche. keep calling someone stupid and one day they will see that he/she really is stupid. if for nothing else, they are stupid, aren’t they, for sticking around someone who keeps telling them that they are stupid? ah, as for a happy ending, as for happily ever after, well, upon leaving the man who wouldn’t stop calling her stupid woman, the woman immediately started feeling opposite of stupid. she thought to herself, if she had wings, i could fly! the end
i like the ending. it’s rather upbeat and happy, don’t you think?
lesson learned
09 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment
in personal, relationship Tags: break, communication, compassion, love, miscommunication, respect, romantic relationship, support, understanding
i’m not sure that all good things MUST come to an end. it’s just that all good things seems to come to an end. if the honeymoon period of the romantic relationship had lasted a long time, would that have been better? i think not. my most recent significant other and i don’t see eye to eye on just what kind of a break we are on. i don’t think it’s a Ross and Rachel kind of a break from the sitcom Friends. for Rachel, while Ross and she were on a break, they were still a couple, but a couple who was taking a breather. and for Ross, well, he thought a break meant a break in being a couple. was he to be blamed for going on dates, etc. etc. etc.? i guess Ross and Rachel had major communication issues! turns out my significant other and i have major communication issues too. even our goals for the relationship are different. it’s kind of difficult for me to see what we actually do have in common at this point. yes, i have “strong” feelings for him. but i will never utter the L word again. it’s clearly not requited to the same extent, i am led to believe. and anyway, you can’t live on love. you can’t make a relationship work on love. it’s just not enough. you need mutual respect, compassion for each other, and willingness to at least try to understand one another. whatever love is in a romantic relationship, it doesn’t necessarily come with mutual respect, compassion for the other person as a human being and willingness to try to be there for one another and support one another through thick and thin.
just when you think you know
29 Nov 2009 Leave a Comment
in personal, relationship Tags: boy friend, breaking up, communication, happiness, heart break, love, romantic relationship
why is it so hard to figure things out in a relationship? for better or worse, i tell my bf every now and then about things that i’m not happy about. it usually happens in a form of a blog or an e-mail. and usually he has no comment. so i keep going on in variations on the same theme, about whatever i’m unhappy about. i don’t get upset over one particular action. i tend to get upset about pattern of behavior.
this past week, having sent my e-mail to my bf about stuff i’m unhappy about, i didn’t hear from him for an entire day! i started panicking i guess because i started bracing myself for being single again, you know what i mean? it’s nice to think that i’m independent and don’t need my bf for anything. i mean, who wants to need someone? that’s always been my way of thinking: avoid getting into a situation in life where i really need someone because they may not be there for me and break my heart. and i’ve tried so hard for so long that i’m perfectly happy being detached from entanglements of emotions to friends and family for the most part. it’s not the best way to live. i know that. but i don’t totally isolate myself. i just remain detached from emotions, as much as i can, as much as possible.
but then earlier this year, i met my bf. i don’t know if he would agree, but i was sure we would never end up dating. so i was unguarded and somehow opened up myself without all the protective gear i put on. strange thing is that i wasn’t scared. i wanted to be with him more than i was scared to be heart-broken. so this relationship is kind of a milestone kind of relationship, the only relationship where i wasn’t afraid to be in a relationship and the first time i was in the relationship because i wanted to be in the relationship.
i guess though, over time, as one would expect, i discovered little by little that my bf isn’t perfect. who knew? i guess i knew but it didn’t really register. so now, 9 months into dating the same person, willingly, i’m realizing that it’s time to work together or call it quits. that’s what it seems like to me. either i get better about communicating and let him know how i feel about some of the things he does that make me less than happy. or it’s time to walk away.
i’m an expert at walking away. i mean, i need to borrow someone else’s hand if i wanted to count using hands how many relationships i walked out from, unscathed and untangled, effortlessly. so this past week, i’ve been on my eject mode, like push a button, like on batman’s bat-mobile, and i pop out of the relationship, i mean the car, just like that.
i wasn’t going to call my bf after sending him a quarterly report about what i was unhappy about until i heard from him first. well, i had high hopes for about a day. then my bf called to see how i was doing. then later that night we had a conversation where i was trying to articulate what i wanted in a relationship and ended up sounding like i was in deep deep fog. i really don’t know. i mean, i do know somethings about what i want in a relationship and that my bf and i aren’t there right now. but it’s really hard to put my finger on it.
then as i was saying things even i couldn’t make sense of or why i was saying something, i started missing my bf. oh i don’t know. i just wanted to see him. and hearing his voice and the way he thinks and talks, well, these are all the things that made me fall in love in the first place.
so i’m thinking now that maybe before one throws out the baby with the bathwater, it’s worth the effort to try to make things work. it’s just like buying a lottery ticket. well, not exactly. maybe it’s like applying to harvard when you don’t think you’ll get in to the school. you may or may not get in to the school. but if you don’t submit your application, then there’s no chance at all that you will get accepted. and if you apply and get rejected, well, you haven’t lost anything really. but if you get in, well, then you call up the financial aid office and negotiate a sweet financial aid package. hehe. ok, if you get in to whatever school of your dreams, then you go to the school and live life. that’s all. simply live.
so i’m changing gears. instead of bracing myself for popping out of the car, i’m going to buckle up and keep my eyes open and stay in the car. after all, it’s the only relationship i wasn’t afraid to commit to. so maybe i’ll be surprised. here’s to taking chances in life!
