i believe – help my unbelief

wow.  time is passing by fast even when i am visiting my parents in korea.  today is christmas eve and it’s just another day, well, except that i’ll be spending the night at church.

yesterday at church, the pastor said the meaning of christmas was christ worship.  and i wonder how many people even know that’s what the word means! 

lately, i have been reflecting on whether, how much, and in what nature i believe in God.  it’s been super difficult to pray to God.  part of the reason is my recent struggles with depression.  i seem to be doing worse, not better.  and part of the reason has to do with what i’m reading/learning in my theology class.  i was brought up to believe in god who wants to bless us, loves us, and cares about us.  that is to say i believe/d in a personal god.  but the more i study theology i realize that the god i believe in is boxed in my what i want god to be, and not actually who god might be.  i mean who really knows what god is like anyway right?  but some theories sound more convincing than others, that is for sure. 

i still pray, prayers half-filled with unbelief.  i go to church but reluctantly, wondering what worshipping an impersonal god means.  can one maintain one’s faith while the conception of god which one previously held on to is going through radical change?  it seems that there is/must be a kind of a suspension in belief.  while the belief in god is going through radical revisions, it’s difficult even to know what one believes in. 

so as for the meaning of christmas, to be honest, i’m not sure what i believe or feel about it.  presents have been exchanged already in my family and tomorrow morning, we’ll rush to get to church and then head out for a family trip. 

Author: bleuemoon

PhD Student in theology, pastor, chaplain...

3 thoughts on “i believe – help my unbelief”

  1. I know from my own personal experiences that having faith in God is difficult when one is struggling with depression. Part of what got me through is reading the Psalms. David went through some bouts of depression while writing some of the Psalms. He talks how life is terrible, but always ends by acknowledging how God is faithful and in control of it all.

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  2. it’s not just that my theological studies suggest to me a non-personal god. but as you say that you have seen in your life that god truly cares about you, in my personal life i am having a difficult time seeing/feeling/believing that god cares about me.

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  3. bleuemoon-
    I don’t believe in an impersonal God. I can’t imagine how anyone can! I have always believed that God is a kind, loving person. I believe that He knows each of us individually. He knows our needs, our wants, our joys and our sorrows. Do not let what others teach you determine how you feel about God. Only your heart can decide. Believe in what you feel is right. Don’t let someone else tear down your faith.

    Good Luck. Keep praying. I promise that He truly hears you, and that He truly cares about you. I know this because I have seen it in my life.

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