wow. time is passing by fast even when i am visiting my parents in korea. today is christmas eve and it’s just another day, well, except that i’ll be spending the night at church.
yesterday at church, the pastor said the meaning of christmas was christ worship. and i wonder how many people even know that’s what the word means!
lately, i have been reflecting on whether, how much, and in what nature i believe in God. it’s been super difficult to pray to God. part of the reason is my recent struggles with depression. i seem to be doing worse, not better. and part of the reason has to do with what i’m reading/learning in my theology class. i was brought up to believe in god who wants to bless us, loves us, and cares about us. that is to say i believe/d in a personal god. but the more i study theology i realize that the god i believe in is boxed in my what i want god to be, and not actually who god might be. i mean who really knows what god is like anyway right? but some theories sound more convincing than others, that is for sure.
i still pray, prayers half-filled with unbelief. i go to church but reluctantly, wondering what worshipping an impersonal god means. can one maintain one’s faith while the conception of god which one previously held on to is going through radical change? it seems that there is/must be a kind of a suspension in belief. while the belief in god is going through radical revisions, it’s difficult even to know what one believes in.
so as for the meaning of christmas, to be honest, i’m not sure what i believe or feel about it. presents have been exchanged already in my family and tomorrow morning, we’ll rush to get to church and then head out for a family trip.