it started snowing this morning and it’s still snowing! what’s going on with the weather here in chicago??? i meant to go to starbucks early this morning to study. instead i played with my niece all by myself until others woke up. 🙂 i loved every moment of it. and so now i am playing catch up.
i’m hoping to finish the book by today that i have to present so that i can write the presentation tomorrow morning. then tomorrow afternoon we can go to the aquarium. why? because my niece wants to. hehe. i sure am glad i decided rather impulsively to fly here to visit my niece (and my sister and my brother in law and my niece’s grandparents).
it’s amazing how living day by day can get you so far. i somehow made it through the nyc trip two weekends ago. i somehow made it through easter sunday – making tons of sandwiches for refreshements and all. i made it through another class this morning despite the difficulty i have been having with understanding the readings. wow. wow. wow.
i’m looking forward to seeing my niece tomorrow! i have a presentation next tuesday morning so yes, i decided to go visit my niece. makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? i’m leaving tomorrow morning and coming back monday night. i’m sure i won’t be stressed and i will get all the work done early. NOT! hehe seriously, maybe i will get things done. maybe. just maybe.
i started taking wellbutrin last saturday. it’s at such a low dosage right now. so i can’t really tell if it’s helping. my psychiatrist is super conservative and careful. recommended starting dose is like 150 mg. i’m on 37.5 mg. i mean, is it doing anything at all at such a low dose like that? i hope i lose my appetite and lose a lot of weight! i’m only half joking about that. 🙂
after a few weeks of no understanding whatsoever of what i had to read for class, last night i read 40 pages and understood what i was reading!!! praise God! i was so relieved that my brain hadn’t gone mad.
class was amazing on tuesday. i didn’t understand what i read of course. so i had tons and tons of questions. the professor was really patient and our discussion helped me to understand the theology infinitely more than i could have hoped for. 🙂 i was starting to think that i couldn’t do theology anymore and that maybe i had lost all interest in it. i was happily proven wrong. i still understand theology, can follow discussion and am capable of making contributions!
my psychiatrist is prescribing me wellbutrin tomorrow. i was feeling so badly last friday that i could hardly speak when i saw her. i felt like i was an empty box and couldn’t move my body. weird, huh? i’m looking forward to starting on wellbutrin. we tried it about 6 years ago for a few days but had to stop because i wasn’t eating. since then i’ve gained about 60 pounds so who cares if i stop eating? i could use the weight loss. hehe
i feel crappy crappy crappy. i don’t want to do anything, not even to sleep. i tried to read today and couldn’t understand what i was reading. i don’t know what to do with my life. i guess i’m depressed in a big way.
one of my “target behavior” (an action i’m trying to change) is over sleeping. and today i target engaged. i stayed in all day long, well except to go exercise with my sister. i usually sleep or stay in bed when i don’t feel good. and today i wasn’t feeling good so i chose to stay in bed all day long. i’m going back to bed until the ice hockey game! 🙂 i hope i’ll feel okay tomorrow. one bad day i can deal with. two bad days, i’m not sure i can handle!!!
it turns out that my friend’s doctor didn’t communicate to her what was going on exactly. the high level of cell count in the blood was due to her medicine and not suspected to be abnormal cell growth! for the past month my friend thought that her illness was coming back. how irresponsible of the doctor not to tell my friend that she just needed her medicine adjusted!!! in any case i’m really happy to hear that everything is okay.
my friend thought she had to take meds for a week and get blood work to see if there are abnormal cell growth. but she realized the other day that she is supposed to take meds for 6 weeks then get blood work done. she seems quite at peace and not really scared. i think i am more scared for her than she is about herself. the blood test at the end of 6 weeks may just be one of the many tests to come. or not. she’s probably wise not to worry too much right now. they have already done a test and then told her she needs this additional test. so in my mind this next blood test is rather important.
crisis mode can only hold up for so long. and i’m trying to be supportive and understanding one day at a time. even though my friend says she’s not worried, i can see that she is making choices about how she spends her time more carefully. i would do the same. but shouldn’t we all do that all the time? none of us know how long we are going to live for sure. so we should do things that matter to us now, not put them off thinking that we can get to them later. who knows? maybe later won’t come. all that to say, we should live, really live in the moment. 🙂