God is good and i am amazed at the way God works in our lives. i was so sad about my old psychiatrist not wanting to be my (primary) therapist. i was so consumed in the sadness all i could see was sadness and all i could feel was sadness. i couldn’t take the sadness anymore and wanted it to just stop. that was back in july. since then the relationship between me and my psychiatrist started to deteriorate to the point i couldn’t stand it anymore. then i felt angry, incredibly angry at things she would say and imply. so i stopped talking to her. and i told her i didn’t want her to be my doctor. i stopped being her patient.
sometimes in the unexpected turn of events that confront us and even when it seems to us that nothing good could come of it, sometimes we find that the outcome that seemed so terrible is actually a blessing in disguise, that we got what we wanted and that infact we got more than what we wanted and asked for!
my new psychologist, one who i might not have met if my old psychiatrist was still my therapist, he is great! he is thoughtful, sympathetic, understanding, and he thinks things through. my old psychiatrist and i would kind of meander our way through the session and acted in response to whatever seemed to upset me that week. my new therapist and i, in just our first session, we are paying attention to what’s going on and being flexible but at the same time looking ahead and keeping the big picture in mind as well.
i didn’t know back in july what i know now. i didn’t know that instead of my old psychiatrist who was losing patience and confidence that i would really ever get better, i would get to work with someone who is fully committed to supporting me and figuring out with me how i can improve the quality of my life, not just stay alive at whatever cost.
i am starting to have hope. i am starting to believe. maybe the rest of my life, however short or long, won’t feel like i’m kept painfully alive to prevent sadness of others and maybe being alive won’t be so painful after all. maybe. maybe. 🙂