i wish i could stay in the air just floating. i don’t want to feel anything because feelings might be bad and unbearable. i just want to sleep or somehow be awake without feeling or being aware of feelings. yes. yes.
as i am alone in the house this week, i plan on sleeping as much as i can and staying “unaware” for as long as i can. if i must live because i can’t die, then i want to live without feeling pain. fair enough, don’t you think? and for now that means grey goose and orange juice and over the counter sleep aids, allergy medicine, or pain relievers. yes. yes.
if i must live, i guess i have to. but it doesn’t mean i have to enjoy it or that i have to be conscious of my feelings or anything else for that matter. yes. yes.
does anyone know how i can stay alive without feeling anything, especially not pain so that no one would have to grieve for my death and i don’t have to live in pain?