i was putting off blogging so that i wouldn’t have to process all that happened in the past week. well, now it’s time to process. and i process best by writing. so you see how this blog is practically necessary for me.
after i wrote the last blog last wednesday night, sometime after that and sometime before i fell asleep, i got rid of every last sleeping pill that i had. it all went down my throat somehow. i only remember the first batch. i didn’t intend on consuming anymore. i discovered two days later that i couldn’t find a single sleeping pill. i searched my trash can and the best of detective work tells me that i took every last sleeping pill that was in my reach.
i don’t know how i woke up the next day, albeit the sun had already gone down. i woke up to a phone call and rushed out the door to show up for my dinner appointment. i got there by car too. at the time, i didn’t know i had taken all the rest of the sleeping pills. so i drove myself to and back from my friend’s house. i only started suspecting something was wrong with me when that night i started throwing up everything i could until i had nothing more to throw up. my friend was fine when i inquired about his health the next morning. so i figured it wasn’t the food that was the problem. something with me was the matter and that’s what kept me up all night and why i didn’t feel well.
most of the time, after i abuse over the counter or prescribed medicine, i call someone and get help within the first couple of hours. but this time, i didn’t call for help. i didn’t think i needed help. anyway, i was way beyond any kind of coherent state of mind by the time i actually fell asleep. and by the time i woke up, the pills had probably done all, if not most, the damage it could have done. and so for sure, two days later when i realized i had taken way too many sleeping pills, that i was still alive amazed me and i seemed to be doing relatively well physically. psychologically, i was in shock, disbelief, scared, and lost.
i always wondered what accidental overdose is all about. now i know what it means and how it can happen! after i realized what happened, i didn’t call my therapsit to tell him what had happened, what i had done, and how i was doing. i was scared that in my incoherent state that i continued to take pills. why? why did i keep taking the sleeping pills? sleeping pills don’t put me to sleep anyway for the most part. i wasn’t trying to sleep so i don’t even know why i took them in the first place. i wondered, does my inner most self that lies beneath the surface really want to end my life? at the very least, it wasn’t trying to look out for my health! i concluded after some thought over the next few days that i wasn’t trying to kill myself knowingly or accidentally. it’s the list of things that i didn’t do that makes me conclude that i wasn’t trying to kill myself. i didn’t drink alcohol which was easily accessible which would have intensified the effects of the sleeping pills. i didn’t take my prescribed medicine, not even a single one. i only took sleeping pills that night.
part of me wants to live. part of me wants to not live if the quality of life sucks, as it has been for me in the past 6 years with severe depression. so if the quality of life can’t be improved, then the only choice left, it seems to me at times when i am under extreme excruciating pain, is to stop the pain and if life is what allows for the pain to continue, then it must end. anyway that’s something like what my mind runs through when i am not doing well.
i told my therapist last night about what happened. he made some interesting observations. actions i choose, when they harm me physically, psychologically, or spiritually, set me back from recovery. he said we could choose to work on whether to die or not to die, the impulses i have, and how i cope with the impulses when i experience them, etc. or we could work on how i might live life, life where the quality of life is desirable. anyway for now he said he could and would hold all of hope for both of us that i might/will get better.
so practically what does this all mean? i mean, if i can’t kill myself with all the sleeping pills i took last week (believe me i had a lot of sleeping pills and i took them all!), i don’t know what will get the job done. either i am unbreakable or God keeping me alive, protecting me from myself at times when i am most vulnerable.
what do i do next? i guess i probably will do things as i have been doing without major changes. but i will at least be aware as i am choosing an action, whether it will promote or hinder my recovery. i don’t know about the value or quality of life in general, for others. but my life, as it has been, is unacceptable! i don’t want to live the life i have been living. that life, i want to end! i will fight to end that life for as long as i can, even if it kills me. through therapy, through medicine, through prayer, through support, and coping skills, for now, i will fight to bring an end to the crappy, painful, life that is soaked in despair. if depression can’t be managed, then i, with my unrelenting depression, may have to say farewell to this world. but if somehow i can find some breathing space, some wiggle room, and ways to fight back the depression, i’ll be here that much longer. as my friend keeps reminding me, the battle remains to be fought, it is on-going, and the towel shall not be thrown in, not even if it takes my last breathe to continue the fight.