it’s so uncool

it’s so uncool to cry in public places, especially a public place like starbucks where everyone is running from one place to another, sitting and chatting with friends or studying something because their entire life depends on that paper or exam or whatever.  i can’t help it though.  tears find their way out the corners of my eyes, rolling down my face.  how many days do i really have left to live?  no, i am not terminally ill, as in having cancer or HIV positive.  but i am deathly plagued by an illness, kind of like the illness where your white cells attack your own cells because they think their own cells are foreign antigens or something?  actually, it’s not exactly like that.  i know i am me.  i just don’t want to be.  i am not in favor of my physical well being if it is without psychological/mental/spiritual well being as well.

as i do sometimes when i’m not busy trying to end my life, i am sitting up in a coffee shop (instead of lying in my bed), and trying to read and write something that i find interesting and meaningful.  these are just one of the few moments, one of the few things, that i find worth while and would choose to do in my waking hours.  i don’t know what it is about working out, understanding, and creating complex ideas and theories that most people walking down the streets don’t think about for more than two seconds if they think about such things at all!

i find that i am blessed to be able to pick topics to read and write about that are of personal interest to me philosophically, theologically, or spiritually.  my current project is one in which i try to work out two different theories on value: one person argues that values are for the most part socially dependent and the other pereson argues that there are intrinsic values in things, like being human beings.  anyway i’ll see if/what/how i can contribute to the discussion. today so far is a great day!  with or without tears, even if i happen to be crying and feeling sad in a public place surrounded by christmas decorations, happy music and chatters of excitement, today is a day i am glad to have lived and looking forward to living.

Author: bleuemoon

PhD Student in theology, pastor, chaplain...

4 thoughts on “it’s so uncool”

  1. A blog for you (not mine):

    http://adventuresofanordinarychristian.blogspot.com/

    For me a closer walk has meant less depression. I’m pretty sure this is not an accident.

    If you can find a good Christian therapist, I think it would be better than having a secular therapist.

    But I think there are other resources you can use, too. For example:

    http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=289115071

    And

    http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=80693391

    I listen to both of these when driving to/from work.

    2 Cor. 1, 3 and 4:
    Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

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  2. thanks for the comments rainbow and Archie!

    rainbow – glad you can identify with something in what i wrote. guess that means i am not alone in experiencing it either which i am encouraged by!

    Archie – struggle at this point in time is bringing me closer to Christ! PTL!

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  3. Life is a struggle. It all started with sin in the garden. The challenge for us is determining what we will do with the struggle. Will the struggle draw us closer to Christ or will the struggle push us away? Only, if we are drawn closer is the struggle worth the battle.

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  4. you are the calmest person midst personal turmoil that i have ever come across. you are like me when i am almost done crying and can feel a pleasant lethargy stealing up my body. i appreciate the lowness of spirit i have then but at the same time i find comfort in it because it’s making me *feel* regardless of how positive or negative it is-

    do i make any sense? maybe not. the last paragraph was partly a thank you for writing something that means something to me, and partly surprise at the recognition of the tiniest fragment of me within someone else.

    have a glorious day/night 🙂

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