i don’t think i was doing that great for a while. i didn’t go out to meet people. i only would leave my room/apartment for therapy and gym. i stopped going to all church related events. i was hyberhating. i want to say i was recharing. but i don’t think i was. i was just hiding from the world so i wouldn’t have to really live my life.
then last monday (dec 22) i had reservation to flly out to california. i didn’t want to disappoint my cousins and nieces and nephews again. i cancelled my trip ou to california last time i was supposed to visit. the moms (my cousins) told me how upset their eldest kids were (my oldest niece and nephew). i felt so bad that i let them down. i felt even worse that it seemed out of my control to feel well enough to go on the trip.
i don’t know that i’m feeling better and if bettter, i don’t feel much better. but anyway, at the last minute i finally got out of bed to start packing. i didn’t have clean clothes. i thought i could do my laundry sometime over the weekend. but everyday i would think, i’ll do it tomorrow. so i packed my laundry, took a shower, and eat something. then when i finally got to the airport my plane was delayed 4 hours! by the time i arrived in california, i was ready to just collapse which was good becasue that meant that my brain was ready to shut down.
i’m staying at my cousin’s house which they just moved into. they had bought a sofabed for me in time for me to be able to use it on my last trip (which didn’t happen). and they really made a triumphant effort to furnish their new house before i came. the guest room is perfect. it’s on the other end of the house separated by family room and kitchen. i have a bathroom on this side of the house. wow i couldn’t have asked for a better place to stay and feel like home, while i am away from home. i mean it’s better than my room back in boston. it’s clean, it’s spacious, lots of sun, and there’s plenty of food in the house all the time!
i keep myself busy, playing with the kids, then i just retreat to my room and find stuff to do on the internet. i seem to have found my own personal trainer on the west coast too! my cousin’s husband (who is also my friend), takes me along when he goes exercising. and when i take in more calories than i need, he gives me a look. and that look doesn’t stop me from eating, but it makes me think twice before take a bite of icecream, or wahtever sweet stuff i am about to indulge in! at costco yesterday, i wanted to buy buy a whole cheesecake, but both my cousin’s husband and my niece said, No! it’s not on the list! so i was promised one slice of cheesecake whwen i burn off enough calories in the next few days. i walked/jogged about 3-4 miles past two days. and my new-westcoast-trainer is going to take me to a gym or a hiking trail and set me in motion. 🙂
life sucks. that hasn’t changed. evennow, if i am given the choice of signing off now or living until old old age to die of natural death, i would choose to sign off right now without a blink! bug since no one is really offering to put me out of misery (i’m sure if i were an animal, someone would be willing to put me out of my misery. but since i’m a human being, it gets all complicated to get help to bring my life to an end!), i try to do things, and only things that i want to do (it works for the most part).
for some reason, i am constantly tired and feel sleep deprived even though i am getting enough sleep and am not doing anything really. so i guess i won’t be planning my funeral service right now. mayber i’ll get back to it later, maybe next year. i mean, doesn’t every one deserve a nice funeral service?