i haven’t written a post in a long long time. i suppose things are okay. i’m still breathing. what else is new?
couple weeks ago, after coming back from california, the entire week i had difficulty breathing, mainly due to anxiety i think. then on the thursday of that week, i felt so so sad that i started crying. i put aside my jewelry worth keeping, put them in envelopes for my sister and cousin to hold onto until their daughters get old enough. it was crazy! i was totally sad even as i was sealing the packages. i wrote address on them and they were ready for the post office or ups. i didn’t make it to ups or post office since i was so sad and had to move onto take care of other affairs!
i started researching online for burial sites in cemeteries. i didn’t really do a good job finding cemeteries that are offering free/open space for ground burial. i looked up funeral homes near my place to check out which of the funeral homes near my place would be most convenient for my friends and family. i found out that you can make arrangements with a funeral home and tell them ahead of time what kind of casket you want and reserve space that suits the needs or tastes of the deceased. there are three or four funeral homes within mile or two distance from my place.
i found legalzoom.com online somehow. the site is like turbotax for last will, living will, corporation, patent or other kinds of legal document. it didn’t take that long to answer the questions. within 20 min i had a” last will” online! i didn’t pay so i don’t have a hard copy or e-mail version of the will. it gave me ideas about what kinds of things i should settle/decide before i die so that when i’m not able to tell friends and family what i would have done, they would know exactly what to do with my stuff.
i was able to keep myself from actually engaging in a self-harming behavior by logically (as much as i could) considering the outcome of impulsive overdose or any other means of attempting to end my life. i knew (from past attempts) i didn’t have nearly enough pills to do anything more than get a good night sleep even if i pushed down every single pill (both over the counter and prescribed medicine) in my possession. i considered other means of bringing my life to an end. i considered hanging myself but decided against it because i didn’t have any rope, i don’t think my belts would really hold me up since i gained so much weight during past few years, and our bathroom, unlike may others i have seen in movies where people have hung themselves, there is nothing structurally strong enough to tie toe rope to! anyway, i was able to come to the conclusion fairly fast that i didn’t have the means to be successful and if i am not, then i might end up in some hospital that i don’t like and be at the mercy of health providers who seem more interested in clocking in than helping the patients.
it’s good to be smart, or at least fairly intelligent. it’s true that i could probably figure out most anything i want to find out by doing research. so on the one hand being resourceful can be deadly. but as it turned out on that thursday, you can talk yourself through your impulse to do reversible or irreversible damage to yourself by thinking through one step at a time, being practical and realistic about the outcome.
having come to the conclusion, as one does in a math proof, that it doing anything just to do something would be foolish, i gave myself a week to reconsider during which time if i kept feeling sad, hopeless and suicidal i could acquire materials i needed or at least come up with a plan that would have some chance of bringing the desired outcome.
i entered a scheduled event in my calendar on my iphone a week from the time i was suicidal. the title of the event and place, well, i couldn’t very well enter the specifics if i don’t want others to find out, right? so the title of the event was “untitled” and place of the event was “unknown.” it would have seemed mysterious to others what event was supposed to happen a week later. but i knew and i was aware of the time passing and that there would be a kind of a “critical” decision point once again a week later.
fortunately, starting the next day, i noticed i wasn’t feeling the intensity of pain and emptiness as much as the day before. i was not nearly as sad and i wasn’t crying uncontrollably without having a clue as to why i was crying. so the week passed and i didn’t accomplish something each day to prepare for a successful attempt at “final exit.” i told my therapist and he was pretty calm about it the whole time i was describing what had happened and how i was able to not act on the impulses. anyway, he just asked at the end of the session, do you need to go to the hospital or are you safe? it’s amazing how much trust exists between my therapist and myself and probably also between other therapists and their clients. i said i was feeling safe. and that i didn’t need to go to the hospital. and that was that. he said see you next week. i said good night.