changes, big changes

i haven’t updated in so long.  it’s hard to know where to even start.  when i don’t update for a while, i feel like there is so much to say i just don’t know where to start.

the biggest news of this year is that for the first time since spring of 2002, i have had about 5-6 weeks of complete absence of suicidal ideation!  sure i still get depressed and still cry.  and still have overdosed, last time being couple weeks ago, the most i ever over-dosed on any kind of pill.  but even when i have felt depressed, the intensity of the feeling has not been as oppressive.  i don’t think that i want to end my life and that to do so would be the only way to get out of the unbearable pain.

so what to attribute to this crazy improvement in my chronic depression?  i know one thing that played a major role is starting to date my boyfriend.  guess things happen when you least expect it.  so i wasn’t thinking chatting on-line with someone might actually lead to friendship, mutual respect and acceptance and as well romantic relationship.  i’ve dated plenty of times before.  actually i stopped dating in the past ten years or so to stop the crazy cycle of dating guys casually just because they were interested in dating me.  i had decided about ten years ago, that i would only date if/when i want to date and that i would want to date only someone i was interested in, liked, respected, and was attracted to.  i’m sure i had some combination of a list working in my head.  but when you meet someone in person, the list flies out the window, right?  because the real person is a real person, not a pre-made up package.

think it helped also that i had changed my therapist last october and am starting to make progress, i would like to think.

i was supposed to get new meds also.  did end up getting one new med in the hospital couple weeks ago.  but not the medicine i was supposed to go on.  my new psychopharm wants to put me on depakote.  but we haven’t been able to start up on it yet.  i am back on abilify, although the dose i’m on now is so little it could hardly make any difference.

so the rest of the world lives this way, right?  everyday living life without actively or passively trying to figure out how to end their life?  trying to figure out a good time when one might actually proceed with the plan.  and trying to figure out to what extent and what things one could do before their last day to help the loved ones when you know they are going to be in tremendous grief and sadness as a direct result of what you are about to do?

the world and life, all of it, it’s not fair or easy.  no one says that it is.  but still, the first time i woke up after my antidepressants kicked in, i felt elated, not because of how i felt from the medicine but to feel like i wasn’t chained down and weighed down so that maybe at some point during the day, i might be able to come up for air so to speak.  i realized that day that most people start their day off at my high point of the day which i sometimes don’t even make it to.  then their days just go up or down from there.  i felt both liberated and betrayed.  how come rest of the world has it so easy?  as if they have perfect vision and had it all their lives.  i had only discovered that the blurriness of the things i see was not how things really are for rest of the world.

likewise, to live a tremendously long period of time (in my life 6 weeks free of suicidal ideation is like an eternity!) not trying to kill myself, i hardly know what to do with all the time and energy that is left over!  so anyway, 6 weeks of “sobriety” from suicidal urges/ideation/attempt.  then what was the bad bad overdose two weeks ago?  really have no idea.  but i was not trying to not wake up forever.  i just wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep until i could wait out the storm.  i was hoping that when i would wake up from the sleep that i would not feel so bad, so scared, so nervous, so worried, and so sad.

Author: bleuemoon

PhD Student in theology, pastor, chaplain...

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