today is a hard day. one of those days when you wish you could just get to tomorrow as soon as possible. the past does not dictate the future. but it sure can contaminate it!
i haven’t felt suicidal in about 2 months, but still have overdosed once in the past month. i’m not sure whether or how long this apparent emotional stability is going to last. i feel like i’m only a few steps away from doing irreversible damage. somehow i always wake up with no organ damage or any other kind of permanent damage. but who knows when i may one day not wake up, or wake up in a coma or with serious brain damage?
today i feel like everything may fall apart, that everything may come crashing down and that maybe i better be prepared for things just in case.
i just came back from an appointment with my psychopharmacologist. i started crying while she was typing up notes. i tried hard to stop crying, wiping away the tears as fast as i could. i was hoping she wouldn’t notice. i was hoping that if she didn’t see me cry that maybe i could stop crying and that may be my sadness would just go away. but i couldn’t stop crying. and i’m scared, terrified actually.
when you know how bad things can be, and you know sooner or later it’s going to hit you again, well, the time in between is just time i’m sitting in the waiting room. and in some ways, waiting for the storm to hit can be more nerve wrecking than how things might feel in the middle of the storm. ok, so middle of the storm if bad too. AND the time anticipating or waiting for the storm to hit is bad as well.
to sum up how i feel today, life sucks when you feel crappy. time doesn’t go fast enough. the night doesn’t come soon enough. and the waiting is unbearable. so yeah, life sucks. that’s all i have to say today.