this past weekend, i was visiting my bf and we went to no-rae-bang (aka nrb = karaoke) for 3 hours! it was just the two of us. that means each of us sang for about an hour and a half. mind you, neither of us are part of a choir or anything like that. i can’t remember the last time i was at nrb!
it was so sweet that my bf sang couple songs to me in korean. 🙂 i took a break from dating for about ten years before i met my current bf so it’s really strange not to be single. it’s so nice and absolutely lovely that someone (someone i like) likes me and wants to be with me (at the same time i want to be with them)! always always in the past it’s bad timing or some variation of unrequited love on either party. mostly i would lose interest in about a month. so i warned my bf too when we started dating that i expire in about a month in a relationship.
it’s really strange i must say. all the phobias i have about intimacy, commitment and whatever else just disappeared. not scared to get to know someone really well. not scared someone is getting to know me really well. not scared that he won’t like me the more he get to know me. and more and more interested everyday as i get to know him better. i mean, is this why people stay in one relationship for a long long time? never knew why people would do such a crazy thing. think i’m experiencing why anyone would. 🙂
so i’m wondering, i mean, i think the honey-moon stage lasted the first time we had to really figure out now to communicate better. i wanted to just get off the phone and sleep. he didn’t want me to just walk away from things we were talking about. usually i just walk out on the relationship all together, let alone carry out the conversation to the end. but somehow we talked it through, managed to end feeling better than when we started talking about stuff that was upsetting to both of us, and felt closer (at least on my end) than before too. but do things really stay this good? ok, granted it’s not always up and up and up and i’m not constantly experiencing feelings of happiness or ecstasy. but for the most part, i feel good being with my current bf than not. i think we’re both better with each other than we are alone or with other people we might be dating.
so anyway, plenty of things to blog about now even though my depression isn’t so crazy bad anymore. after about 7 yrs of hard-core depression and constant battle with suicidal ideation, being happy for an enduring period of time of any length is just so strange. i feel like i’m living someone else’s life! i know i’m not. i know it’s my life that has taken an absolutely amazing turn for the better. and that my bf really knows me well, especially at my worst, and still is interested in me and loves me. but man, talk about radical acceptance! there are times when i wonder if all of it is really real! 🙂