even when things are going well, it’s possible to feel like nothing is going well. and i know that it’s all a matter of perspective. well, i’m having problems with the perspective thing. i’m feeling sad, inadequate, and lots of guilt. sure enough i have a medical condition, i need help of others at times to stay safe. but i don’t want to be like this. i hate that i need others to babysit me. i hate that people worry about me and need to check up on me. i hate that my doctor can’t trust me with a newly filled bottle of prescription medicine. i hate that i need group therapy as well as individual therapy. most of all i hate the fact that i still am not able to contract for safety 24/7. because, on days like this when i feel extremely sad, probably over nothing warranting this kind of sadness, i just want to escape. i’m over the i want to end my life phase. but still there are days i just want to check out temporarily even if i no longer want a permanent escape. so i’m contemplating a little escape for myself right here right now to extend the night into the day, for as long as i can to stay in deep sleep without interruption of being woken up in the morning.