irony

even when things are going well, it’s possible to feel like nothing is going well.  and i know that it’s all a matter of perspective.  well, i’m having problems with the perspective thing.  i’m feeling sad, inadequate, and lots of guilt.  sure enough i have a medical condition, i need help of others at times to stay safe.  but i don’t want to be like this.  i hate that i need others to babysit me.  i hate that people worry about me and need to check up on me.  i hate that my doctor can’t trust me with a newly filled bottle of prescription medicine.  i hate that i need group therapy as well as individual therapy.  most of all i hate the fact that i still am not able to contract for safety 24/7.  because, on days like this when i feel extremely sad, probably over nothing warranting this kind of sadness, i just want to escape.  i’m over the i want to end my life phase.  but still there are days i just want to check out temporarily even if i no longer want a permanent escape.  so i’m contemplating a little escape for myself right here right now to extend the night into the day, for as long as i can to stay in deep sleep without interruption of being woken up in the morning.

Author: bleuemoon

PhD Student in theology, pastor, chaplain...

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