he loves me, he loves me not

i find it curiously strange that even after my bf told me that he loves me that i still wonder from time to time: does he love me or does he not love me? in those moments, i’m not even sure how i would know if he loved me or not or what it would mean if he loved me or didn’t love me. of course there are moments when i feel like i’m putting in more effort than he is. then times when it seems like he’s on turbo drive and i’m just coasting.

about six months ago, around the time my bf and i met and started dating, i was way way more depressed. i was in and out of hospitals and on and off on suicidal ideation. miraculously, coincidentally or even mysteriously, since my bf and i have been dating, i just stopped cold turkey on suicidal ideation or attempts. i didn’t get better all in one day. there was still another hospitalization after we started dating. but in the past six months, i have never, not really anyway, wanted to end my life forever and for good.

i think people just get greedy. i’m no exception to that observation. i was happy enough to be recovering from depression with the support of my new bf. i was excited to be feeling happy and having things to look forward to. i had to get used to not being depressed. i had to re-think how to live my life instead of trying to end my life. and along the way, plenty of times i thought to myself, i can’t believe have a boyfriend? i can’t believe he cares about me enough to listen to me and try to make me feel better when i’m crying…etc.

i can’t say i am moving to nyc for my boyfriend. but it’s true, if he wasn’t in nyc i’m not sure my sister and i would be moving there. we might have moved to somewhere in california or seattle where my sister keeps telling me that she has a guaranteed position. what ever the facts or reasons are for moving to ny, it feels like a huge step in the relationship between me and my bf. we’ll be able to date like many others when they live in close proximity.

but then what? i know how to deal with break-ups. i know how to package break-ups so skillfully that the guy feels like he wanted to break up with me. but i have no idea what happens when day in and day out, two people care and love each other and are better in the relationship than not. honestly i can say that i am a better me with my bf in my life. it’s something about how he conveys that he believes in me that i can recover from depression, that i can get out of bed, that i can clean my room or even do dishes or laundry instead of others stepping into help me out. and it’s something about the way he tells me that i am good at what i do and that i should pursue it more. how can you not love someone who loves you and believes in you? how can you not be a better “you” with someone in your life who is supportive and loving?

all this is new territory, making relationships work and staying in a relationship through good and bad days. all my life i have tried to stay out of relationships and to end it before it got too serious for me. and now that i’m in a relationship that i want to be in with someone i want to be with, i don’t want to break up. i don’t want to make him think that he wants to break up with me. i’m not afraid of things getting serious. i want things to get serious, whatever that entails. i’m in for the long-haul, for better or worse for however long it lasts, i just want to be here and in love with the person who helped me to get out of the most horrifying depths of depression.

Author: bleuemoon

PhD Student in theology, pastor, chaplain...

2 thoughts on “he loves me, he loves me not”

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