damn it

i should know by now. i really should. but i don’t. i have been hoping and cautiously holding back on worrying that i might feel hopeless or depressed again. and wow the darn depression monster does not die easily. it kicks and fights even when it’s down. yesterday and today, basically i have been self-medicating… the way i’m supposed to use prescription medicine and skills learned in one-one and group therapy, well nothing was coming close to helping me to feel better.

once not too many months ago i took more than a handful of pills i wasn’t supposed to take. i didn’t even know where i was, what i had said, or done. when i came too, i was at a brand new hospital with brand new doctors and all i could tell was that i must have tripped a few times without feeling the pain even.

last night and this morning, of course i drank. of course i took prescribed medicine in ways not prescribed to me by my psychopharm. all that’s been done already. what i am contemplating now is what to do with a small bottle of alcohol that keeps staring at me. i would normally mix it with someone to help it go down. but today i think i might just down it by itself.

i’ve always had a hard time letting others know when or that i need help. if i call someone and say i don’t feel good and take the chance of totally making myself vulnerable, i mean, they can just say i’m too busy, right? would i be imposing on my friend/family a burden by unloading my feelings, thoughts, urges unto them and sharing my life? i know that theoretically people would say, oh no, we do care, we love you, we want to help. but case in point: sister i live with once told me if given the option, she would rather know less than more and only on need to know bases. think my present plans to pursue on-going self-medication does not fit the description of what she wants to know. if i need an ambulance, then she would need to know and i will tell her.

funny thing is, i’m not even feeling depressed. i just want to be put out. people are so kind to animals, aren’t they? if the animal experiences unnecessary pain such that there is no possibility of improving the quality of life, most people can decide quickly that for the benefit of their pet, yes, doc put him/her at peace.

damn it. i swear in many ways we treat our pets better than we treat ourselves!

Author: bleuemoon

PhD Student in theology, pastor, chaplain...

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