nine months!!!

my bf and i have been going out for nine months! second longest relationship of my life, the first being my first relationship which lasted few years b/c my ex kept bringing us together after we broke up. it’s weird to have gone out with someone for nine months! it went by fast. time went by fast in general. in some ways, however, i feel like i don’t know my bf a lot better, i mean, not as much as one would think you would get to know someone in nine months. what i have learned though, is that he speaks love in action. he’ll hang out with me, help me do errands, listen patiently over IM and give me advice, all of which takes time. but gosh, i could count the number of times he told me how me feels about me (in person) with one hand! i would say past couple weeks have been pretty rough. i wondered a lot about where the relationship is headed and whether it would make more sense to just throw in the towel. it’s hard to decide not to be with someone because you’re uncertain about the future when you want to be with the person. my head says yellow or red light, but the heart says green light. in all fairness, my head says proceed with caution. and my heart says stay on course. guess there might be some middle ground? hmmm not sure about that.

one of the things my bf said when i asked whether he sees a future with me was that he is uncertain about the future because i’m not as stable emotionally as he would like his significant other to be. i understand. and i don’t understand. i am who i am, you know? i want to be with someone who loves me as i am now, how i got here, and where i’m headed. and on some days i’m going to be perfectly stable and happy. on some days i’m not. i don’t blame him for wanting to be in a relationship with someone who is stable most of the time. only, how long will it take for me to get there? i’m recovering and slipping back into the most aggressive depression i’ve ever had. it’s brutal. i’m down and i’m being kicked in my guts. i’m trying to get up and pushed down to fall again. 2009 has been a good year for my recovery. i am much much more stable than i have been since 2002. but still, i’ve had set backs. maybe it’s true what they say. it’s not how many times you fall that matters. but it is whether you get up after your fall that matters.

Author: bleuemoon

PhD Student in theology, pastor, chaplain...

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