what i was made for

i called my mom this morning and talk to her for a long time. i realized as i was talking to her that on days i study i am not anxious, i feel pretty good over all and i am motivated to do other things as well. but on days i don’t study, i feel anxious, feel apathetic and unmotivated about everything! was i made to study? i’m beginning to believe that. i think God made me in such a way that i would find purpose and meaning in life when i study and not when i don’t. it isn’t even a matter of how good i am academically. studying for me is a matter of survival it seems. wonder how many people are made the way i was made. i’m a nerd and i’m proud of who i am. 🙂

discipline

i think i’m a creature of habit and structure in daily routine. i felt really anxious couple weeks ago. the entire week i kept feeling anxious and didn’t know why. then later i figured out i’m feeling anxious because my work was feeling unstable. i was putting in a lot of hours, felt like i was being asked to do more, while being asked to take a pay cut. it just didn’t make sense to me to be asked to do more while taking a pay cut! anxiety slowly started dissipating when i started being proactive about how else i would make additional income so i can pay for my bills. and realizing that i want to go back to school sooner or later, i started to study again. wow. doing those two things were more effective for reducing anxiety than going to therapy once a week. well, i don’t have a therapist right now anyway. but i feel better than when i did have a therapist and was seeing her once a week!

so i’m learning that i’m really not a free-spirit if that means being able to do things without having a structured schedule set out for myself. even with exercising, i had to set up a regular schedule. without a regular schedule planned out ahead of time, i really am bit of a challenge to get myself motivated to do anything!

good to know and good to make adjustment in my life to accommodate the kind of person i am. can’t fake who i am. just have to accept that i need structure and perform best when i’m being disciplined.

it helps to have goals too, of course. so planning to score above 90% in both verbal and math section of the GRE by early July. last time my verbal was fine but math section was lower in percentile than i am capable of getting. i mean, GRE math section is more about working fast without making mistakes than it is about knowing complicated math stuff.

feeling so much better about everything right now. feeling grounded. anchored. sturdy. 🙂

what in the world?

two days ago, i slept all day and had a headache. i thought i was just tired. then the next day, i felt weak, achy all over and at times felt dizzy when i got up. what in the world is going on? because i’m on psych-meds and also pre-diabetes meds, i can’t tell what medicine is causing what or if i’m sick! to make matters more annoying than anything else, this morning, the third day of being dragged down by physical ailments, my back started to hurt again.

my psychiatrist wanted me to decrease dose of wellbutrin (my primary antidepressant) to see decrease in dose of wellbutrin would make me less anxious. so i took smaller dose for couple days. then when i was in bed for the second day and feeling dizzy, i took the pill i skipped to make up the normal dose of wellbutrin just in case what i was experiencing was due to withdrawal symptoms of wellbutrin. i was getting nauseous too but the redsox game last night went on for over four hours and i kept myself distracted by watching the redsox lose a game they should have won!!!

so am i sick? am i taking too much pre-diabetic meds? my doctor seems to think lowering hemoglobin A1c will keep diabetes away. but i just read some blogs that stated that lowering hemoglobin A1c with medication might come at the cost of increased rate of death if tight control of hemoglobin A1c with medicine causes hypoglycemia while patient is driving or doing other kinds of activity where alertness is matter of life and death.

sigh. hello, i’m still in my thirties. just as i’m coming out of depression, did i really need to be dealt pre-diabetes!!! ok the lack of exercise and poor diet might have contributed and i would take full responsibility except when you’re depressed, you don’t really care what happens to your life, you know???

why so anxious?

i’ve been feeling so anxious! what is the matter with me? i guess i’m not sure about a lot of things in my life. lately, i feel pressured to do things i don’t want to do. that’s not a good feeling. i think things are going to have to change. i can’t curl up in bed in fetal position for the rest of the life! but that’s just what i want to do lately.

i think the fact that i’m turning forth in a couple of years is part of the reason i feel anxious. what have i accomplished in my life? my thirties flew by and it’s all a blur too because most of my thirties i was really depressed. i feel like i was robbed of my thirties! i like being in my thirties. i’m not ready to part with it yet!

in other news, i met with my primary care physician. he was really pleased. i dropped a lot in hemoglobin A1C or something like that. it’s one of the two ways diabetes is diagnosed. i was already in diabetic range for the hemoglobin A1C level in my blood. i think i’m in the lower end of pre-diabetic range now. yay!!!

guess all is not lost. 🙂

tricks

my mind is playing tricks on me. just couple of days ago, i felt like everything was stabilized to some kind of normalcy. then the very next day and today i feel anxious. if i knew exactly what i was feeling anxiety about, i think i would feel better.

fortunately (?) i told my therapist today that i wasn’t getting much out of therapy and wanted to take a break. i guess i forgot how anxious i felt yesterday. i didn’t think i would continue to feel anxious…

i’m also avoiding certain things…i needed to go to physical therapy because my back still hurts from the car accident that happened a month go. i was headed towards the place, then i turned around and walked home. what was that all about? what is there to be afraid of at my doctor’s office? i have multiple physical ailments going on at this point. yuck. yuck.

diabetes

my doctor told me at the beginning of this year that i’m pre-diabetic. i got scared. so i changed my eating habits. started exercising regularly. i was put on some medicine to regulate glucose level. but then couple weeks ago, i just got sick of watching what i eat all the time. so i started giving into cravings for pasta and sweet things. and now that i have another blood work coming up, i kind of wish that i hadn’t done that. i mean, i’m glad i ate all the food i wanted to eat for past couple weeks, which is still a lot more healthy than the way i used to eat. but i hope my glucose level didn’t increase too much. it sucks to have physical and mental conditions that require medical attention. all i got going for my self that i can say is normal is my spiritual well being!

new home

i spent 5 days in chicago to visit my niece. 🙂 usually when i return from a trip, i feel all out of whack. but this time, because i came back on saturday and went to church on sunday i feel like i can just pick up my daily routine starting monday. last time i went away, i was away for about 10 days, missing a sunday at my home church. it took me about 3 weeks to feel normal again that time!

i feel like my life has settled into some kind of normal and stable phase. haha. just two weeks ago, i had way too much drama in my life. somehow getting away and coming back helped to tone down the drama in my life! totally thankful for that.