how badly do i want it?

really badly! i saw a preview of a movie with russell crowe where in 24 hr period he has to fight for everything worth living for in his life. likewise, more than anything in the world, i want to get into a philosophy of religion phd program for next fall. when i say more than anything in the world, i mean just that. could i live with myself if i don’t get in anywhere? yes. would i be happy? no. i don’t think i ever felt as sure and focused about what to do with my life as much as i feel about pursuing philosophy of religion degree! my life doesn’t depend on it. my sanity does. i really hope and pray and will do my best to get into a program for next fall. that’s the plan anyhow.

surprisingly

surprisingly, i have more will power or something than i believed i was capable of. my friend who i am not dating but is more than a friend (i don’t know what that means either) and i decided that it would be best for us to put breaks on, not full stop but slow down. timing was perfect. i have the most important task of my life to apply to schools so i can live a more fulfilling life ahead of me. and so having more time for myself rather than less serves me well. everything always comes down to whether something contributes to improve the quality of my life, i.e., help me to learn and to teach. in the past, i decided not to date or to stop dating when i judged i would be more productive on my own. do most girls think like this? i have a sense that the way i think may not be how most women think. and yet, it’s the most natural way and most sensible way i navigate through my life. not that i knew this would happen, but my new friendship/relationship is working well, surprisingly so.

count down

come december 1st, i will forever be a non-smoker. well, no, i will forever be a smoker. but starting in december, i will be a non-smoking smoker. everyday, for the rest of my life, i will have to make the decision not to woke. it’s quite a daunting thought. can it be done? can i do it? hell, no. i can’t do it. but i can do all things through him who strengthens me. so bring it on. let december come. let the non-smoking part of my life begin!