New Era

so after about nine months, the relationship is over.  i’m still processing everything, sorting things out in my head and in my heart.  i’m sure the decision to stop dating was the right decision for both of us.  how could such a right decision feel so wrong?  i’m happy to be single.  maybe i wasn’t even made to be part of a relationship but to be a self-sufficient single person for the rest of my life.  but after nine months of sharing my life with someone, it feels weird not to have someone to call to talk about things that happened to me that i want to share with someone who really cares about me.  a week after we broke up, i was told on the phone, yes, i do love you.  was i supposed to be happy to hear confirmation of how he felt about me, a week after we mutually broke up?  love is a funny thing.  at this point, to be honest, i don’t even know what it means when someone says i love you.  i used to say i love you a lot.  i stopped saying it when i got tired of hearing thank you after i said i love you.  thank you isn’t bad.  it’s better than silence.  …  i feel as though i have lived a life of unrequited love.  it’s not that no one has ever been in love with me.  it’s never at the same time, or at the right place in our lives, etc.  in times like these, i am so thankful that my identity is so strongly defined by what i do and how i relate to the world than by whether there is a person who loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  i was really sad two weeks ago about breaking up with the person i thought i could spend the rest of my life with.  for half a week, i lost my appetite so much i lost few pounds.  but now my appetite is back, but not the way it used to be.  and now i don’t want to be sad.  i want to get used to my life as a single person.  maybe i should get used to it for good.  i could spend my energy instead on developing and deepening friendships, good friendships.  end of an era brings in beginning of a new era.  in this new era, i plan on being more caring of my self, more loving to my self, and gentler on my self.  if i don’t love myself, i’m not sure anyone else will, well no human being in any case.

3 thoughts on “New Era”

  1. thanks achih1076! i feel somewhat at peace. i’ll be working on getting more in shape, so that body and mind will both be well. 🙂

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  2. I’m sorry to hear that you are going through your breakup. It’s hard, believe me i know what it is like. Even i often got the “thank you” after i said i love you, every time i heard this reply i felt my heart sink and worse also when i did lose the relationship altogether. But, just like you i started developing new friendships and put my energy towards writing and sharing my thoughts, in turn i influenced the lives of people in a positive way and it made me feel good about myself, eventually you’ll come across people who will show you that you are stronger than you know, then you will recover and love being yourself even more 🙂 stay strong and good luck in everything 🙂

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