fear of losing memories of you

it’s been three weeks. Three long weeks considering how difficult and painful it has been not having you in this world. But time has also passed so fast considering it’s already been three weeks since you were freed from this world.

I fear losing memories of you, E. yesterday for the first time I heard of your death, I wasn’t experiencing constant heart break. By losing sadness that drowns me, am I losing you even more? I want to hold on to you, remember you in sadness and in joy, in pain and your unmatchable energy and enthusiasm for life.

you know, you brought the best in people because you believed in them; you believed that they could be good. with kids you could show them unconditional love. and yet it was unconditional love that felt to you to be out of reach for you to receive. only God could hold you in unconditional love that does not disappoint.

in someways we have all failed you, failed to see your internal turmoil, your vulnerability and your fragility. but a breathe of lovely beauty you were, not so much the resilient sturdy self you wanted to project.

E, you are safe now. the world cannot touch you where you are now. the love of your life, God, stands by you forever and an eternity, never letting you down or leaving you to be alone.

Author: bleuemoon

PhD Student in theology, pastor, chaplain...

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