I’ve committed to being a VIRTUAL WALKER for PCUSA Walk for a Fossil Free World! With this commitment I will walk 45 minutes daily from Jun 1-Jun 15 and raise $250. I commit to speaking in my immediate community about my experience and the need for prayerful active engagement in climate change ecological issues that affect us. I am walking for my nieces and the next generation to have a place they can call home.
“Grant me, Lord, to know and understand which is first, to call on Thee or to praise Thee? and, again, to know Thee or to call on Thee? for who can call on Thee, not knowing Thee? for he that knoweth Thee not, may call on Thee as other than Thou art. Or, is it rather, that we call on Thee that we may know Thee? but how shall they call on Him in whom they have not believed? or how shall they believe without a preacher? and they that seek the Lord shall praise Him: for they that seek shall find Him, and they that find shall praise Him.” (St. Augustine, Confessions, Bk1, Ch1).
I played ice cream shop with my favorite toddler yesterday! Family by choice can be so comforting and loving even at times when you can’t visit your family by birth. I do miss my sister and my sister’s two daughters. But while I can’t visit my nieces, I get to visit my friends’ kids and oh yes, I get to visit my friends as well, and I just feel so loved! So glad God shows me love one way or another!!
p.s. after playing ice cream shop, my favorite toddler’s parents took us to a real ice cream shop!
As I understand more of what I’m studying, the more I feel the depths of which I have yet to learn.
No one wants to listen to someone expressing self-pity. I was told yesterday, stop this self-pity. That’s probably what promoted me to come to my blog site this morning. I have thoughts, feelings, and want to express them. No one wants to hear them, no one I can think of. But maybe there are some people who don’t mind hearing self-pity because they understand that it’s natural sometimes to feel self-pity and that it’s not necessarily a permanent disposition! I feel enormous expectations, stress, and fear of failure and self doubt. Sometimes I feel confident, but sometimes I feel bankrupt of any confidence.
I am a person of faith. And yes, my faith makes a difference in my life. But you know, when I’m drowning and feel overwhelmed with emotions that are threatening to consume my sanity, it’s hard to turn to God. But it is precisely in these moments that God, if ever, could help me. So many oxymorons in life. In the moments when I need God, are exactly moments when I feel I can’t turn to God or forget that I have a God who cares about me!
So I write for myself, on this blog, hoping someone would read these words, but also that as I write them that I would hear the sound of my voice crying in the wilderness, and that hearing my words, would remind me of who I am. Even when I feel utterly alone, yes, remember who I am. That I am a child of God!!!
I think maybe at times people take life too seriously. You win some, you lose some…that’s what is helping me keep things in perspective. Otherwise it can become difficult to breathe!
Two years ago today was Esther’s funeral.
I still remember her mom collapsing on the casket and sobbing.
Losses are heart breaking.
Esther, I love you.
Love remains always.
Hope that “God loves you” is reality and not something you hope for.
I wish you were here because I miss you so much.