believing

i have just a hint of belief and faith that maybe there is value in what one chooses to do with one’s life.   maybe when bad times keep coming at you, you just keep fighting and one of these days, you’re just one foot ahead of the dark times.  something’s working.  i don’t know what it is, but i want to keep doing what’s working!

i want to stay off as much psych meds as possible.  i feel that maybe the meds have kept me from thinking clearly.  it’s truly a balancing act to stay mentally healthy and also to maintain clarity in one’s mind.

since i cannot die

i live because  i cannot die.  well, it’s not entirely true that i cannot die.  i’m sure i could die. it’s just that i don’t want to live.  my depression seems to be getting worse.  the psych medicine i’m on seems to have stopped working.  i have been to the hospital too many times.  it’s pathetic really.  i can’t make a final exit that is too obvious.  i’ll have to choose a discrete way of dying.  i wouldn’t want anyone who knows me to find me dead.  no one should be able to conclude that i chose the final exit.  it will have to be a smart way to exit.  i’ll have to plan out the details carefully.  in the meantime i’ll have to live.  but i live because i cannot die, at least not yet.

solitude

it’s difficult to get time to myself to reflect. but then again reflection might be over-rated. i mean, when you really consider the value in things, sometimes you realize that maybe there isn’t anything there to be found!

i am basically living because i cannot die. so what meaning could there be in life? it’s difficult to find meaning. it’s difficult to find joy. and hope is nowhere on the radar screen.

maybe my depression isn’t getting better. maybe it’s just getting worse. my brain feels like it’s basically at an impasse. i can’t find meaning. i have no hope.

final exit

i really think that if i died an early death that jesus would still love me. am i wrong to think so? when this life is so hard, when the pain gets unbearale, i often just want to escape: a final exit. maybe that’s why sleep is so inviting. sleeping allows me to stop life for a little while. and that’s why the hospital visits are helpful to me too. i get a break from my life.

last time i ended up in the hospital, i had a black out, a day of no memory. i’m not sure whether i was conscious or not. i only know that i have no memory of being in the ER. is that like hitting rock bottom? i don’t think so. i talked to a girl who ended up in the intensive care unit as a result of an attempt. i’ve never ended up in the icu. maybe i’m not doing so badly. but still everytime i attempt a final exit i run the risk of making a “final exit.” there are times when i’m not sure that is what i really want. so maybe i’m not really ready for a final exit.

in memory

i’m sad to say that there has been a death in our extended family.  extended family is family and the sadness is real.

it’s weird being alive. i mean, really it is weird being alive. it’s so weird that the living go on living. what can we do but to go on living? the most we can do in order to honor the dead is to go on living.

about twenty years ago around this time, my friend committed suicide. and what i remember, aside from fear and sadness that i felt was being aware that i wasn’t dead. i thought, she would no longer come to my house, we would never do homework together, and she would never turn sixteen. for years i was haunted by her death. year after year when i went back to the town in which i grew up, i would visit her grave. and when i stood at her grave, looking down at the headstone, i wasn’t just over come with sadness but also with perhaps guilt that i was alive. with each milestone in my life i would think, she never turned eighteen, then later i would think, she never turned twenty one, thirty, so on. i can’t say that i miss her now. but i do remember her and still love her.

what if she hadn’t decided to kill herself…what would she be doing now? would we still be friends? would she be a mom like my sister? would she have been a career woman?

no one will ever know.

i was already depressed at the time my friend committed suicide. her death somehow prevented me from acting on my thoughts of escaping from this world. it seems inappropriate to be thankful to her death that helped me live. truth is, on most days, i’m not thankful to be alive. i just live, because i am alive. i should be grateful to be alive. i am thankful but yet i wonder, when will i be able to rest?

it’s funny how visiting family reminds me that these people, my family, especially my nieces and nephews, expect me to live. especially my nieces and nephews who don’t understand death wouldn’t think twice that i would visit them the next chance i could manage to see them. and i want to see them grow up, go to college, get married, have kids, etc., etc.

i really think that the living can honor the dead best by going on living, the best they know how. rest in peace… we can’t join you in death, but you will always be in our hearts and in our memories.

reality check

someone in my extended family is dying. it really made me sad to hear about it. his health has been failing for a while now…

when you think about your loved ones and perhaps even when imagining the death of your loved ones, the imagination may fail us. what we imagine might be some what abstract. that’s how it is for me when i imagine a world in which i am not a part of.

my fight is to keep myself from killing myself. i live in someways because i cannot die. but today, a little while ago, it really hit home for me that there are people who are really dying, not by choice. while in somewhat immature and crazy ways i think of ending the pain in my life by dying an early death, others are trying to stay alive, if not for themselves than for their loved ones.

i don’t know that i will always feel this way – but at this moment, i’m really sorry. i’m truly sorry for trying to take my life time and time again when i’m young and healthy. i realize at this moment that people are supposed to live and to try to live, the best they can, for as long as they can.

i knew him not that well and have seen him only a few times. he was always nice and gentle, thoughtful and caring. he’s still alive so i don’t mean to speak as if he isn’t. but things being as serious as they are, i just want to express that in the short time i knew him, and in the brief encounters we have had, he is a man who lives/ed and loves/ed greatly, and he will never be forgotten in the hearts of those who love him.

my deepest, most heart felt condolences to my extended family…