I miss you most

I miss you most in the mornings, E

morning after morning I picked you up and half awake, half asleep drove us to church

some people came to visit, they would come and go

but some of us were regulars because we needed God and we needed each other

Even when I could not even get out of bed rest of the day, I could wake up early for morning prayer meetings

on some days you and I would meet up again to study at a coffee shop, to eat together or run errands

you are so many years younger than me and I am so many older than you

but we connected and accepted each other

we understood that being lazy didn’t mean that we didn’t want to but that we couldn’t

so many times when I needed to be with somebody you were there for me

and I was there for you when you didn’t want to be alone but didn’t want to be with anyone

because with me who knew you already, you didn’t have to fake it

you could just be, without words, without pretending or covering up how you were feeling

i think you knew what you meant to me

i hope that you knew that just as you had a sister and friend in me who would not judge,

that I had a sister and friend who would always be there when you could

and now i miss you terribly

i thank God for you

and I thank God for taking care of you now in ways you need to be taken care of

your wounded spirit can rest in trusting care of God

I will try to find peace in that

I take comfort in knowing that God knows what it is like to lose a close friend to death

Jesus wept. the shortest verse in the Bible comforts me.

As Jesus wept for Lazarus, even though he would resurrect him,

and for his sisters Mary and Martha,

I weep for you now and for your sister and family.

your cousins, they are really all heart and soul.

eternal friendship, that’s what I hope for now

the woman she was

feature image from Mr Bum Bum’s Instagram

E was a great friend. she knew how to be there for a friend in need. I’ll never forget the time she came over to my apartment to “help” me with my laundry. I had loads and loads of laundry to do. I had no energy or motivation. she came over for moral support but it was me who offered her company as she did my laundry. this was during a time when I was having a difficult time getting anything done. she was there for me. I’ll never forget her presence that comforted me. E, I miss you and will remember you for the joy and laughter we shared. God give E rest that she deserves and let her know her friends remaining in this world love her so much.

you have become my salvation

“I thank you that you have answered me and have become my salvation” (Psalm 118:21)

I thank you, God, for today.  I have the day off from work.  And I am able to relax, drink coffee, read the Bible and to pray.  I am so thankful this morning for my life.  Lately, I have been feeling sad and unmotivated on weekends, which at times cause me to think life is but a misery.  God, give me strength and hope that I can live through such moments/days of sadness and hopelessness.  Let me live in reality that you are my salvation!

a year already?

wow, i moved to nyc about a year ago. it’s shocking what i was like when i came to ny last year and how much i have changed. happy to report that change has been for the better! who knew leaving boston and moving to ny would be one of he best decisions i ever made in my life??? i recovered from depression more than i had ever before. i am working and pursuing goals i want to pursue!!!

time limit

i was feeling depressed all day yesterday and this morning. my thoughts were too dark to utter out loud to anyone except maybe to a therapist. since i don’t have a therapist right now, well, i didn’t really get to say what was on my mind. i tried to contain the thoughts and feelings inside me and prevent it from leading to self destructive acts. i haven’t felt this bad in a long long time. both the duration and intensity of how i was feeling was way more than i had experienced in about 6 months to a year. mostly because my mom is visiting me, there really was nothing i could do. so after being held to my bed as prisoner all day and all night and all morning, i came to the conclusion that enough is enough. time limit is up. no can do on feeling depressed any more for this week. i have a sermon to write, studying to do and preparations for new job coming up in few weeks. so for today at least i’m done being depressed. i don’t know how long my will power can keep dark thoughts from returning. i guess i’ll find out soon enough whether i’m successful or not.