reality check

I think maybe at times people take life too seriously.  You win some, you lose some…that’s what is helping me keep things in perspective.  Otherwise it can become difficult to breathe!


Fear of Failure

I’m afraid I’m going to fail a class that I am taking.  I’m not in a degree program.  I have a day job that pays some of the bills. I’m so afraid of failing the class, I can’t focus.  I can’t comprehend what I am reading…  At the moment, living feels like waiting to get a bad grade, which would be anything less than an A.  Where and how did I come to believe that anything less than an A is a failure?  Nonetheless that’s what I fear.  Anything less than an A would feel I was inadequate, not smart enough, not really the kind of student who could go onto do doctorate work and finish the degree…because I know I can start a PhD program.  Because I’ve been there and done that.  But could I get into another PhD program (when some people don’t even get into one PhD program) and finish the program?  Am I too old now?  Twenty years ago I applied to PhD programs.  Started a program the following year that I couldn’t finish.  This fall, I am planning on applying to PhD programs.  I’ve never been so uncertain of my abilities as when I think about whether I could get through a PhD program.

Only way I know how to combat failure is to pretend that I failed already.  Rather, to imagine that I failed already.  Then the rest is what I wouldn’t have had if I froze up in fear.  I’m going to imagine…