sudden loss

a friend i had lost touch with died suddenly yesterday morning on 6/12/2018.  she was 40 years old.  devastating news.  i’m praying for her baby boy, her husband, and her family…  even though i hadn’t spoken to her in years i am still feeling the sense of shock and loss and wish we had made the effort to reconnect.  i am filled with regret and sadness…

ice cream shop

I played ice cream shop with my favorite toddler yesterday!  Family by choice can be so comforting and loving even at times when you can’t visit your family by birth.  I do miss my sister and my sister’s two daughters.  But while I can’t visit my nieces, I get to visit my friends’ kids and oh yes, I get to visit my friends as well, and I just feel so loved!  So glad God shows me love one way or another!!

p.s. after playing ice cream shop, my favorite toddler’s parents took us to a real ice cream shop!

truth be told…

I still miss my friend E.  It’s been over a year since her death.  I have a great group of friends who are mourning together.  I have things in my life that keep me busy.  I have good friends in my life.  I have a supportive and loving boyfriend.  I talk to my mom and/or dad regularly, albeit not often.

But when I need some one, need someone to understand me, you know, I still miss you, E.  You somehow were able to just let me be, and to listen and to be there.  I miss you.  i don’t think about you everyday, like I used to.  But when I’m in need of support, you know, I miss you.  There was something about the way you were who you were that gave strength and peace to others.  So, you are missed.  and you are the one and only person who could fill that gap.  It takes practically a village to try to patch up support of the kind you were to me.  why do we always realize how valuable, just how valuable something or someone is until we no longer have it/them?

Truth be told, I still miss you. Truth be told, I will always miss you

thinking about you 

I’m thinking about you and missing you. 

how could it be that you are no longer here with us? 

even if thousand tears were shed my heart still has not healed

your beaming smile, I want to see it

your crazy laughter, I want to hear it

your warmth, your love, your passion, I miss it all

I wish you were here  

rock solid frozen

i love you i love you i love you

but I don’t have you any more

i miss you, miss you so much

but you won’t come back to me

all the insensitive people are not wanted now

because…

because…when you are hurting

when I’m hurting,

I just need a hug, just a bear hug

and at the same time, I fear that a hug is not enough

that my fear, the scar tissues have become too great, and i have become but a rock

day in day out

it’s true that everyday day, as if to punch in my time sheet in and out, I get up to a groundhog day, everyday over and over again…going to work, coming home, missing those I love, feeling alone, and maybe here and there I feel a sense of accomplishment or satisfaction.  But mostly, there is this feeling that I’ve missed out on something today. And yet a part of me wishes I could miss it all entirely. to miss a part of what I had hoped for seems worse than to not have anything at all.

today, in the midst of friends I love, I am quite incredibly paralyzed and overcome with grief, because I am living in the anticipatory grief of losing each person all over again when tomorrow comes.

And knowing all too well what loss feels like, that it feels vulnerable, raw and debilitating, I dread tomorrow.  And this dread prevents me from being fully present today. This is not how I want things to turn out…

after years and years

what is at the end of the road of years and years of love?  at times, what is at the end of that road, of a happy ending, perfect story, is heart ache, loss, and regret.

I remain hopeful that despite my biological clock practically not ticking any more and practical impossibility of being a mother, that I will be happy all the same, for being able to be with one I choose to be with  now, even if no one can say we have a future at all.

Speaking of the future, I wanted a future, with my friend E.  Was it so hard, so difficult, so unreasonable, so selfish, to wish for a life of growing old together? Because in me, and in her we had something, or maybe it was nothing at all, but maybe something that could not be replicated in any other relationship, that we knew and accepted each other. I felt known and accepted. And I thought I was reciprocating in the same way. Sometimes we think we know where we are, who we are and where we are going. But we don’t always know. And others who know us may be in a better place to see where we are holding.  But when they fail us, and we have no clue, what then? All as tomorrow is Palm Sunday and Easter Sunday is all but a week away, I hope for hope that brings life out of death. I hope for future that makes meaning of detrimental heartaches of the past. I hope for healing that can build on remnants of brokenness.

I so much want to survive and to endure, to come out, to make it to the end of the tunnel, the light that I see, I want to reach out and feel the warmth of it, I hope when I get to the other side, that you will be standing there waiting for me, and when I see you I am not sure that I could stop my silent wailing.