sudden loss

a friend i had lost touch with died suddenly yesterday morning on 6/12/2018.  she was 40 years old.  devastating news.  i’m praying for her baby boy, her husband, and her family…  even though i hadn’t spoken to her in years i am still feeling the sense of shock and loss and wish we had made the effort to reconnect.  i am filled with regret and sadness…

ice cream shop

I played ice cream shop with my favorite toddler yesterday!  Family by choice can be so comforting and loving even at times when you can’t visit your family by birth.  I do miss my sister and my sister’s two daughters.  But while I can’t visit my nieces, I get to visit my friends’ kids and oh yes, I get to visit my friends as well, and I just feel so loved!  So glad God shows me love one way or another!!

p.s. after playing ice cream shop, my favorite toddler’s parents took us to a real ice cream shop!

Self-pity

No one wants to listen to someone expressing self-pity.  I was told yesterday, stop this self-pity.  That’s probably what promoted me to come to my blog site this  morning.  I have thoughts, feelings, and want to express them.  No one wants to hear them, no one I can think of.  But maybe there are some people who don’t mind hearing self-pity because they understand that it’s natural sometimes to feel self-pity and that it’s not necessarily a permanent disposition!  I feel enormous expectations, stress, and fear of failure and self doubt.  Sometimes I feel confident, but sometimes I feel bankrupt of any confidence.

I am a person of faith.  And yes, my faith makes a difference in my life.  But you know, when I’m drowning and feel overwhelmed with emotions that are threatening to consume my sanity, it’s hard to turn to God.  But it is precisely in these moments that God, if ever, could help me.  So many oxymorons in life.  In the moments when I need God, are exactly moments when I feel I can’t turn to God or forget that I have a God who cares about me!

So I write for myself, on this blog, hoping someone would read these words, but also that as I write them that I would hear the sound of my voice crying in the wilderness, and that hearing my words, would remind me of who I am.  Even when I feel utterly alone, yes, remember who I am.  That I am a child of God!!!

to love and good deeds

24 And let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching. (Hebrews 10:24)

I have been “going to church” by watching worship services online from Willow Creek Community Church.  I attend a Bible study, in person, on Fridays with a church in the city.  I keep remembering a sermon preached by a  Willow Creek  youth pastor that a Christian must always be part of a community, which one can transform and be transformed by.  I feel really torn on Sunday mornings whether to attend a local church or to attend service online.

All that to say, I feel called out by this passage this morning, to consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds. It’s hard to provoke one another to love and good deeds when neglecting to meet up with my local community church.  Perhaps though limiting my view to only my local church isn’t doing justice to the vest.  How do I provoke myself and others to love and good deeds?  I’m not sure I have “an” answer but for sure, my loving and doing good deeds may inspire others to do the same in their lives.  So here we go, will try to live out a day of  loving and doing good deeds.

I Press On Toward the Goal

I had a meltdown two days ago.  I was so discouraged that I couldn’t concentrate.  I couldn’t read.  That meant that I couldn’t get any school work done.  Reading week was coming to an end and I had lots more work left to finish.

Somehow, with help of my boyfriend, I got through the moment.  I calmed down.  I talked to my therapist.  I had dinner with a friend.  I went to Bible Study.  And the next day, well it wasn’t back to normal.  I was having trouble reading but not as badly as the day before.  I tried over and over again to read and to just get through some of the material.  Thanks be to God that for me, reading material has a lot to do with my faith since I’m studying theology.  I read about Jesus, how Jesus saves, how Jesus liberates.  But it was still a hard day.

And I watched service online last night.  and did some more reading, then went to bed.  This morning, I’m reading the lectionary, the Bible reading for today set by the church.  and totally encourage and struck by the passage in Philippians 3:14

“I press on toward the goal for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:14)

We’re not there, wherever there is.  I’m not there yet, where God wants me to be and has plans for me to be.  So I will press on toward the goal of eternal life, of salvation promised eternally with God, resurrection of the dead, and redemption from everything that brings my spirit down.  I’m reading today about why it is that if Jesus conquered death, if Jesus died for us, why does sin still have a hold on us?  I think that’s one of the things I’ll try to figure out today.  Because I have faith, I believe in my salvation through faith in Jesus Christ.  But I still have moments of utter despair…and in those moments, I need voices and reminders of those who know and love me to hold on to me until I come out of the darkness.

Oh my Lord, my soul rejoices in you this morning, to be alive, to have a chance to press on toward the goal, for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus.  Thank you God.

 

 

truth be told…

I still miss my friend E.  It’s been over a year since her death.  I have a great group of friends who are mourning together.  I have things in my life that keep me busy.  I have good friends in my life.  I have a supportive and loving boyfriend.  I talk to my mom and/or dad regularly, albeit not often.

But when I need some one, need someone to understand me, you know, I still miss you, E.  You somehow were able to just let me be, and to listen and to be there.  I miss you.  i don’t think about you everyday, like I used to.  But when I’m in need of support, you know, I miss you.  There was something about the way you were who you were that gave strength and peace to others.  So, you are missed.  and you are the one and only person who could fill that gap.  It takes practically a village to try to patch up support of the kind you were to me.  why do we always realize how valuable, just how valuable something or someone is until we no longer have it/them?

Truth be told, I still miss you. Truth be told, I will always miss you