ice cream shop

I played ice cream shop with my favorite toddler yesterday!  Family by choice can be so comforting and loving even at times when you can’t visit your family by birth.  I do miss my sister and my sister’s two daughters.  But while I can’t visit my nieces, I get to visit my friends’ kids and oh yes, I get to visit my friends as well, and I just feel so loved!  So glad God shows me love one way or another!!

p.s. after playing ice cream shop, my favorite toddler’s parents took us to a real ice cream shop!

the work i do

I didn’t know if when it would happen or if it ever would.  It has been really hard to make patient visits.  Then slowly starting this week, I feel more at ease like I did before.  Last Sunday I answered an on call referral to ICU.  I provided pastoral care to a family of actively dying patient.  I presented the visit to my group.  I didn’t do nearly as well as I thought I did after I considered some of the feedback from the group.  Yet it was immensely difficult visit.  I felt disconnected from life after the visit.  Earlier in the week, I had few meaningful visits where patients wanted to talk about theological stuff.  And then yesterday, prayed with two patients in particular that stand out in my mind.  I prayed with one person who was really sick yet still had faith in God.  And I provided end of life care to family of actively dying patient.  The mother said why didn’t God take me?  Why is God taking my son?  I felt heart broken to hear that.  I realize I don’t have any answers.  All I can offer is support.  I prayed with the mother and her family.  And somehow I feel once again reminded of the fact that I do what I do not because it’s easy, not because I do it better than others, but because I am able and because I have been given the opportunity to provide care to patient and families in hospital setting.  Another patient was anxious she may be judged after her death, which she believes is imminent, and she didn’t know what that would be like.  More than anything, I hold on to the love of God.  I told the patient that God loves her.  And the judgment she would have faced, Jesus took in her place as he did for me as well.  Really last Sunday I felt like I couldn’t keep making pastoral visits…too difficult, too sad, just too much to bear.  But I see now that what I do can mean the difference between laying awake at night fearing the judgment day or wondering what God’s love would look and feel like when you finally go home, or whether God understands the pain of having your son in your sixties is being taken before you and being able to cry out to God who knows the pain you are going through because he too had lost his only begotten son.  What can I say?  It’s a privilege, it really is.  The work I do, it matters.

time limit

i was feeling depressed all day yesterday and this morning. my thoughts were too dark to utter out loud to anyone except maybe to a therapist. since i don’t have a therapist right now, well, i didn’t really get to say what was on my mind. i tried to contain the thoughts and feelings inside me and prevent it from leading to self destructive acts. i haven’t felt this bad in a long long time. both the duration and intensity of how i was feeling was way more than i had experienced in about 6 months to a year. mostly because my mom is visiting me, there really was nothing i could do. so after being held to my bed as prisoner all day and all night and all morning, i came to the conclusion that enough is enough. time limit is up. no can do on feeling depressed any more for this week. i have a sermon to write, studying to do and preparations for new job coming up in few weeks. so for today at least i’m done being depressed. i don’t know how long my will power can keep dark thoughts from returning. i guess i’ll find out soon enough whether i’m successful or not.

oh boy

i did what i promised my sister i wouldn’t do as my niece gets on the bus. she loves me. 🙂 it’s so fun buying stuff for my niece too.

so the reason why this blog is called “oh boy.” i was talking to my sister about my boyfriend and me. somehow we ended up talking about different languages of love. so i think i know some one loves me if i’m with them. anyway, i think my boyfriend and i don’t communicate the same way about how we feel about each other.

am i the “it” girl for today?

i’ve happily relocated to ny. last week, i cleared out of my old apartment in boston where i lived for 10 years. yes! ten years in the same apartment, let a lone the same city. anyway so i have one home to call my own and it’s in ny.

i’m doing really well, much better than i would have expected given that the move is huge! leaving friends and community i had for past 10 years is oh, not so easy, you know? i’m still seeing my doctors and personal trainer in boston so i’m not completely moved to ny yet.

so here is my question, my bf and i have now officially (both of us knowing we consider each other as bf & gf) for over 6 months. to the best of my knowledge, only an old work friend (and maybe a friend here and there) knows that he’s dating. no one in his family knows that he’s dating or who he’s dating. i’ve never met any of his friends or any of his family members.

my bf has met one of my sister multiple times, talked to my dad on the phone once, and has even IM’ed with my niece a few times while i was visiting her. he’s met anyone and everyone in my circle of friends and family that he wanted to meet.

the tricky part is that i understand the reason he told me why he isn’t telling his family. but does that include his close friends too? there is something to be said for meeting the friends of your significant other right? you get to see them in the context of their own comfort zone. see how he treats and gets treated by those who know him and love him.

partly due to how he’s handing the (now 6 months old) news of his relationship status, i’m wondering if he is pretty sure we are more or less a short-term couple. i mean, i’m not entirely sure that he thinks this. but i’m starting to think that maybe we will be a short-term couple. that is to say, we may not last much more than a year. still, a year is light years and galaxies further along than all my other relationships in my adult life, save but one (my first relationship which miraculously lasted about 4 years).

i always have said and thought that i would take as much of this relationship as i could because it’s one i would choose over a relationship with a long term possibility that i don’t want. but let’s face it, if i could be in this relationship, with my current bf, with some kind of acknowledgment of a long term commitment, i would love it!

i hate the possibility that i’m the “it” girl for today and only because i’m good enough for today. once we talked about how one happy day after another after another is a happily ever after when you look back. but i realize now that you may not get a happy day after another after another. on days that are not so happy, you stay put and work things out because you care and are committed to the person and to the relationship. i never wanted that and have never been ready for that. think i’m ready for that now and want that in the near future.