sudden loss

a friend i had lost touch with died suddenly yesterday morning on 6/12/2018.  she was 40 years old.  devastating news.  i’m praying for her baby boy, her husband, and her family…  even though i hadn’t spoken to her in years i am still feeling the sense of shock and loss and wish we had made the effort to reconnect.  i am filled with regret and sadness…

truth be told…

I still miss my friend E.  It’s been over a year since her death.  I have a great group of friends who are mourning together.  I have things in my life that keep me busy.  I have good friends in my life.  I have a supportive and loving boyfriend.  I talk to my mom and/or dad regularly, albeit not often.

But when I need some one, need someone to understand me, you know, I still miss you, E.  You somehow were able to just let me be, and to listen and to be there.  I miss you.  i don’t think about you everyday, like I used to.  But when I’m in need of support, you know, I miss you.  There was something about the way you were who you were that gave strength and peace to others.  So, you are missed.  and you are the one and only person who could fill that gap.  It takes practically a village to try to patch up support of the kind you were to me.  why do we always realize how valuable, just how valuable something or someone is until we no longer have it/them?

Truth be told, I still miss you. Truth be told, I will always miss you

thinking about you 

I’m thinking about you and missing you. 

how could it be that you are no longer here with us? 

even if thousand tears were shed my heart still has not healed

your beaming smile, I want to see it

your crazy laughter, I want to hear it

your warmth, your love, your passion, I miss it all

I wish you were here  

I still cry

last week I was telling a group of trusted friends that I feel a sense of loss about you E, that I miss missing you because I wasn’t crying like I did at first when I found out you died. but of course as I was saying that very statement tears welled up in my eyes and my heart crushed with pain.

E, your birthday is coming up. I just had my birthday this past week. it was weird that you weren’t there to wish me happy birthday, and on your birthday, it will be strange not to be able to wish you a happy birthday.

I still cry.