made my day

my waitress, Debbie, made my day! She told me I could sit anywhere I wanted to. I yell out as I walked past her, can I sit at a booth? she answered, yes, love. I was sitting at a booth that needed to be cleaned up. then when she came over, she makes me get up and says you don’t sit at a dirty table. I ordered a bunless cheeseburger with salad. order comes out to perfection, even with the dressing on the side! I don’t know if I was having a particularly crappy day or if I was receiving extraordinary service by Debbie. I was overcome with thankfulness. yes, she got a big tip! bigger than she could have imagined. 

self portrait

in art classes assignment for self portrait comes up often. after a great day, lunch in Central Park, good class, walking and taking pictures with a friend downtown, art opening, on the way home, I took this picture. more than beautiful pictures I took, this picture feels closer to how I feel at times lately. this too shall pass, right?

Whoa

Today was the last day of summer CPE.  I can’t believe I managed to finish another unit of CPE!  How did that happen exactly?  I’m going to miss my group, my unit, my supervisor and staff chaplains.  I feel like a different, better person today than I was before CPE.  Who knew in a year, you could actually catch up on growing up?

six months!

today marks six months since my boyfriend and i have been dating.  where did the time go?  i just thought i should make note of the occasion somewhere.  😛  we are more open about our relationship in some respects to close friends…  a huge improvement i would say.  our relationship is a work in progress.  we’re learning from each other and teaching each other so that we can be there for one another better.  i want to say i’m looking forward to another six months.  but i think we’re better at taking one day at a time.

do i deserve better?

last night (0r was it this afternoon), my girlfriend and i were telling each other that we deserve better.  exact words were, we deserve to be adored!  the context of the conversation is me waiting for my bf to call me after blowing off our plans last night to be with family.  things are actually more complicated than that, but that’s how i felt at the moment.  i wrote him an e-mail after he left to say how sad i was we didn’t get to hang out.  he wrote back saying he was sorry.  i liked how the e-mail started.  then he went on for two three paragraphs explaining how he was doing the right thing by changing his mind and choosing not to spend time with me.  he was going home to break fast with his family.  he was fasting for good reasons.  can you blame him?  well, i can blame him.  sure i can.  he didn’t explain why he wanted to spend the evening with his family instead of spending the evening with me as we had planned.  and when he did, it was in defense of his action without acknowledging how his actions made me feel so sad.

i am starting to wonder two things:  why do i love this person so much when he upsets me so much and why don’t i just date my girlfriends instead when my girlfriends understand me so much better and actually call to check up on me while my boyfriend is MIA?

is love overrated?  i don’t always get treated the way i would like to by my boyfriend.  but all in all, i love this person who changes his mind and doesn’t think of me first.  i have a “girl-crush” (to borrow my friend’s words) on my girl friend with whom i was commiserating with last night and this afternoon while my boyfriend wouldn’t return my phone calls.  but against my better judgment, perhaps, i miss my boyfriend and want to spend time with him when we can, i.e. when he doesn’t change his mind about our plans.

he did call later in the afternoon today, about 24 hrs after he left me to go home to his parents leaving me stranded on 3rd avenue on upper east side.  i told him i wanted to talk to him when i was upset, even when he’s the person who upset me, and that it upsets me that he didn’t call to see how i was doing.  he didn’t call, he said because one of my e-mails really hurt his feelings and he felt i said things that were not warranted.  it seems it’s too much to ask for you to consider my feelings, i wrote.  i was expressing how hurt i felt that he didn’t seem to consider my feelings.  he heard me accuse him of not caring for my feelings at all.

do i deserve better?  if so, i deserve better from the person i love and want to be with.  who cares if a person would treat me with utmost respect if i don’t want to be with that person?  but why do i want to be with this person who doesn’t always treat me the way i know i deserve to be treated?  is it lack of self-respect?  do i not believe that anyone else would treat me better?  in the end, i love my boyfriend and want to be there for him and want him to be there for me.  love makes you do pretty crazy things, even stay with someone when they hurt you and make you cry in front of your girlfriends.  and yes, i do deserve better.  we all do.

dating not dating

yes. and no. i always find myself in situations where i’m in a relationship where i can’t tell everyone that i am dating! so yes i’m dating. and no i’m not dating! i guess the answer depends on who you are. it’s not just the answer that is confusing. i feel like i’m dating and also like i am not dating. it’s not morally wrong for us to date. it just would upset a lot of people that we are dating. so much energy goes into not dating publicly. it’s ridiculous. and yet, it is my life at the moment.