I feel angry at my friend E who took her own life ten days ago. it seems unfair to be angry at E as she can’t defend herself. and she was in a great deal of pain and suffering to do what she did. I’m going through different states or emotions, sadness, denial, shock, guilt, and yes also anger. I am angry that we can’t do more things together. for instance, we can’t grow old together. she loved to read. just as I was about to pick up the book I had been reading this afternoon, on a “lazy” Saturday afternoon, it hit me that E can’t read anymore. I’m sure E is at peace. but what of the living, those who loved her? it seems scandalous to mention to those who also loved her that I am angry, at E, but I am. I feel angry that E didn’t reach out to more people during her last few weeks. then I wonder if maybe she couldn’t or didn’t want to reach out to others especially during her last few weeks. she was probably just so tired just to get out of bed. just to get dressed. it probably took a lot of effort for her even just to remain conscious. maybe I’m not as angry as I thought I was. I’m saddened deeply that I or anyone else couldn’t help her to find peace in this life. I’m sorry, E. I wanted to be there for you. I didn’t know just how much you were suffering under your own skin. I’m sorry I didn’t press you to talk to me when you said you didn’t feel like talking because you weren’t feeling well. I’m sorry I was so busy trying to figure out my own life. there was no urgency in anything else if I could have been there for you as you needed. maybe nothing I could have done would have made a difference, but I still wish things were not the way it is now. because the world without you in it is not as warm a world as it could be, not as exciting or as kind. rest well my friend. be at peace. find rest and comfort for your soul that you couldn’t find in this life. rest in God’s arms. I love you so.
It’s the hardest thing in the world to share with someone closest to my heart about my religious beliefs, which in fact profoundly define and shape who I am. Why should this be so? Don’t I trust this person who is closest to my heart that he will be understanding, patient, and loving all the same as I share my core beliefs? Ideally the answer would be yes. Since it isn’t yes, but a maybe, or I would hope so, I stop to reflect on the relationship between myself and the closest person to my heart. I feel and believe that I am unconditionally accepted by this person. But perhaps that is only head knowledge and not heart knowledge. Yes, I am scared to be vulnerable to the one person I can be vulnerable with and not fear rejection or judgment. This is likely to be more about me than the relationship. It takes courage to open up my inner most being to another person, even to the person I trust most. How do I acquire such a thing?
Of all the differences my boyfriend and I have, the fact that we relate to money differently is probably the most likely factor to break our relationship. Just the other day, after a very nice afternoon, after watching an intense emotional movie, we went to dinner. I had wanted to go there for my momentous birthday, but couldn’t. I was happy we were in the neighborhood and hungry so that we could go eat there. We were only going to eat there if there wasn’t a usual hour wait. We got seated right away. First my boyfriend says it’s too loud here. So we get seated on second floor. As we’re looking at the menu, my boyfriend makes a face saying that everything on the menu is very expensive. Mind you, we had both been at this restaurant before and both of us liked it very much. So I asked should we leave? We should leave now if we’re not going to stay. My boyfriend says it’s ok we can stay. Then we order, both of us ordering the least expensive items on the menu for dinner. Then he says to me, hey didn’t you want to get that appetizer you mentioned before? I’m shocked that he mentions that because yes I want it but refrained from ordering it because he already seemed stressed about the cost of dinner. I’m fine. I don’t need to order the appetizer. He wanted to split a beer, to which I said, no I want my own. Then after we ordered, he tells me if I want it, don’t let him hold me back, go ahead and order it. I didn’t even know what he was saying. We usually split the bill. So was he saying we’ll pay for our own share and not split the bill? Or was he saying if I really want it, he would split the bill with me even though it would go beyond what he feels comfortable paying?
Thus began the downward spiral of a very nice evening, at least as I was experiencing it. I didn’t want to talk about money, especially over dinner. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I didn’t want him to see me that way so I kept looking away into the distance. Far from expecting my boyfriend to pay for dinner for both of us, I just want to be able to eat together at places I want to eat at. Most of the time, he chooses where we go to eat. This was one of the few times I got to go to where I wanted to go because of timing and location. Not to mention, this is where I had wanted to come for my big birthday. I felt sad that I have to worry about how my boyfriend and I are going to have to split up the bill: would it be 50-50 as usual or some other ratio if order freshly made guacamole? I told him I couldn’t talk about this over dinner.
Later in the subway, which isn’t a huge improvement from talking about money, still public, still in non-private setting, we continued our discussion. I expressed my reasons for being upset. It’s not that he doesn’t have money at all. It’s just that he didn’t want to spend the kind of money eating at that restaurant would involve if we ordered an appetizer. As we continued the discussion one day later, it became clear that for him, spending money on food is luxury beyond basics. For me, food is a necessity, even eating good food at a nice restaurant isn’t considered wasting money. I feel the other person does not care about me if they don’t want to spend money that would enable me to do something I would enjoy very much. In this case, not wanting to eat at this restaurant initially, or letting me know he couldn’t afford appetizer that I might have wanted, in my heart, felt like he didn’t care about what I wanted. It’s very strange to have this relationship to money, I know. My parents for the most part use money to express their love. No, that’s not really how I want to be shown love. I really would like my parents to ask how I’m doing and really care about how I’m doing. I really would like my parents to show me that they love me by their action and words. My boyfriend expresses his love for me in action. With words, he’s much more careful about saying that he loves me. Still, he’s one step closer to expressing his love for me in non-monetary ways than my parents are. So then in my head I know it’s OK that my boyfriend can’t afford to eat at places I want to eat at, at least not too often. Maybe I’m sad that I feel like I make more sacrifices than he does on just about everything. So when it comes to where we go to eat, it’s more intensely experienced as something he’s not willing to compromise on. Oh, the complexities of relationships. When you love someone and feel vulnerable and open with the person, of course the reward is hugely positive when good things are experienced; then when something is interpreted as hurtful, well, that gets experienced as something hugely negative.
Merry Christmas, everyone! This was a great Christmas. One friend proposed to a girlfriend of eleven years and she said yes! Another friend gave birth to a beautiful girl! My boyfriend and I are together, again. 🙂 We got to spend Christmas together. And I have a great roommate. I get to see my nieces and my two sisters in two days. I finished four units of CPE which means my badges in hospitals will now say chaplain instead of chaplain intern. I got great feedback on my final paper and terrific grade in the class I was taking. At this point in my life, for everything I could ask for, I got. So happy and feeling great! Thank you, God! Thank you, Jesus!
i am rapidly declining… i thought i was doing well. but this weekend, i hit another bump. now i’m not sure what’s good for me. i guess i know what i need. i mean, i was starting to think i needed my ex-boyfriend if i can’t make it through this break up. but then i realized, man, if i can’t make it through this break-up, being with my ex-boyfriend isn’t going to be much help. so with or without him, with or without being inebriated, i’m gonna have to make this work. i’m it. me plus God. that’s all i got.
All is well with my soul. I didn’t think time healed. But it does! Amazing! I’m not one hundred percent over my ex-boyfriend. But I’m well enough to function. Thank God!
life sucks. hope is gone. i want to linger in self pity. wallow in low self esteem. not sure what matters. or that anything matters at all. i don’t care. not even sure if there is anything i do care for. life is just unbearable. that’s all i can say for now.