I had a meltdown two days ago. I was so discouraged that I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t read. That meant that I couldn’t get any school work done. Reading week was coming to an end and I had lots more work left to finish.
Somehow, with help of my boyfriend, I got through the moment. I calmed down. I talked to my therapist. I had dinner with a friend. I went to Bible Study. And the next day, well it wasn’t back to normal. I was having trouble reading but not as badly as the day before. I tried over and over again to read and to just get through some of the material. Thanks be to God that for me, reading material has a lot to do with my faith since I’m studying theology. I read about Jesus, how Jesus saves, how Jesus liberates. But it was still a hard day.
And I watched service online last night. and did some more reading, then went to bed. This morning, I’m reading the lectionary, the Bible reading for today set by the church. and totally encourage and struck by the passage in Philippians 3:14
“I press on toward the goal for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:14)
We’re not there, wherever there is. I’m not there yet, where God wants me to be and has plans for me to be. So I will press on toward the goal of eternal life, of salvation promised eternally with God, resurrection of the dead, and redemption from everything that brings my spirit down. I’m reading today about why it is that if Jesus conquered death, if Jesus died for us, why does sin still have a hold on us? I think that’s one of the things I’ll try to figure out today. Because I have faith, I believe in my salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. But I still have moments of utter despair…and in those moments, I need voices and reminders of those who know and love me to hold on to me until I come out of the darkness.
Oh my Lord, my soul rejoices in you this morning, to be alive, to have a chance to press on toward the goal, for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus. Thank you God.
it’s a cliche. a woman gives all of herself to friends, family, and even to strangers, with none left to give to herself. no one, not even her sister, boyfriend or many close friends even know what’s going on because they weren’t available. I am that woman who is alone, disconnected, feeling lonely even while in the presence of others. funny others don’t get it. did she reach out at all? surely if she had reached out the family and friends, core group of support would have made their best effort to be there for her. so what, now the burden falls on the woman feeling alienated that she didn’t cry out in the way others would respond? but she did. she texted, she left messages, sent out emails. everyone has a lot going on their lives. absolutely true. but I was there when others needed me. where are others now that I need them?
the world around me feels like it is tumbling down.
after a month of silence, I spoke to my significant other finally. he said a month of silence doesn’t mean he wanted to break up with me. I am baffled and relieved at the same time. DTR, aka defining the relationship is to be continued next week. I never understood how some couples stay together. I’m beginning to understand where hearts of two people are involved, two hearts connected or tangled up on love, nothing is simple. logic or common sense doesn’t apply as one might expect. people have different issues and when two people with life time worth of issues, shaped by upbringing, family, cultural, religious beliefs and practices, you can’t assume you know until you confirm with your other half. only by the grace of God is it possible to protect oneself and each other. where hearts are involved, risk of getting heart broken is real and near. strange thing about love is, it makes me overcome my fears about getting heart broken. if I was so sure after a month of silence that only possible explanation was that the relationship was over, I wonder, how much I have grieved God due to my silence when God was waiting for me.
when everything in life loses it’s focus and things become blurry and bleak, look to nature. seriously, God made heavens and the earth. he created me. he didn’t do it out of boredom, did he? just because I feel lost doesn’t mean God doesn’t know where I am. I will try to take comfort in that today.
what i have rather than what i don’t have is what i have to appreciate. presently, i am making most of my solitude, singleness and freedom. indulging my wishes, desires and impulses can’t be sustained, i know. for now, however, i am living and moving onwards and upwards to wherever God leads me. of course i wish i knew where i was headed what i will have and what i won’t get to have. i don’t want to be disappointed. but fear won’t hold me back either. still, i am scared to be alone. then i remember, while i feel alone, i’m not really alone in this world. yes, my significant other and i are walking separate ways, but my true love hasn’t and won’t leave me.
in art classes assignment for self portrait comes up often. after a great day, lunch in Central Park, good class, walking and taking pictures with a friend downtown, art opening, on the way home, I took this picture. more than beautiful pictures I took, this picture feels closer to how I feel at times lately. this too shall pass, right?